Friday, June 8, 2007

Racquetball Anyone?

Our next excursion takes us into the heart of the sports world. Thursday nights, I play racquetball with the guys. Purely recreational, but you’d hardly know it watching us try to kill each other. You see, we’ve invented a new version of the sport – quicker, more difficult, and deadlier. Although we escaped with few serious injuries this particular evening, one of us was not quite so lucky a few weeks back.

On that fateful evening, our friend, who shall remain nameless, got struck full-force directly in the man candy.

That’s right.

The ball didn’t bounce first. The ball’s trajectory went like this: racquet – straight line at mach three – nubblies.

And our poor, wretched friend went down like lead in champagne (you’ve never seen that?), accompanied by a pathetic, grotesque yell-moan.

And I was like : “oooooooOOOOHHHHH!” when I saw him go down.

Motionless. Hands covered mouths. Silence.

My poor friend who did the ball smacking (the racquetball and the other ones) was visibly shaken. No man wants to be the smacker. But I can tell you that any smacker would surely rather be a smacker than a smackee.


Because getting smacked in the jujubes is something that no man should ever experience. Women say that childbirth is the greatest pain known to man. But how can that be? No man knows childbirth. But some men know berrysmacks, unfortunately.

I happen to be a member of the bruised winkie club, and I think the experience is akin to pulling your entrails out through your mouth with a rusty fork, while a mime enacts Sherman’s March to the Sea on your man marbles. Now that’s not quite the same as shoving a watermelon out of a hole the size of a pea, but fruits and veggies sound much nicer than the rusty fork-entrails-thingy.

Needless to say, I wear a cup while playing our brand of racquetball.

Still, there are two things that I just don't get:

1)Why do women insist they understand the language of pain better than men? They say we have no idea what they go through during childbirth, but they’ve never been jabbed in the happy buttons.

2)Perhaps my translation of the actual phenomenon doesn't do it justice.

Can you help me translate?


Carl said...

OOOooooooo thats gotta hurt. As a racquetball player myself, I know how much getting hit with one of those blue bombers hurts. And I've only taken shots to the back of the head / sides / back /ass / legs / stomach / and ear (which hurt the worst). I can't imagine getting hit in the jewels. Ugh, kinda don't want to play racquetball tonight now...heh

Anonymous said...

Wickedly funny post! I nearly spewed my coffee all over the keyboard, but it would have been worth it! LMAO!!!

I think women still win on this pain argument though... Imagine a 10-pound bowling ball being ever so slooooowwwlly pulled out over not just 1 minute, 1 hour, 5 hours, 10 hours, but maybe 20 hours...

Translator said...

Carl - good to meet a fellow death-seeker. Good exercise, though - eh?

Deb - Sorry I almost made you loose your black gold. That's what I call Java.

And I guess I never really thought about the duration thing. You've got a point with 20 hours of bowling ball pushing. Actually, my mom said I took 30 hours.

Sorry mom.

Beenzzz said...

I'm sure getting hit in the man ovaries can really hurt. Women however, have to endure the monthly hell(midol and heating pads galore) along with childbirth. Childbirth sucks. There is no way around that one. It's hours of intense near passout pain, followed by pushing this huge (sure to be ungrateful when it grows up) thing out! THEN, the breast milk comes in and that is NO bed of roses. I could go on and on and on. So, though we aren't privy to the pain of getting hit in the balls, it certainly seems like we women have pissed off a higher power.

Bimmy the Bookish said...

I have another question :-
why turn it into a competition?


It's not the experience of childbirth that makes us experts on pain, it's living with men :) hehe.

Translator said...

Beenzzz - Great point. I forgot about the monthly thingy. Although sometimes that can be painful for us men, too :)

Bimmy - True. It's not a competition. We each have our own trials and tribulations. But my wife is always like: "I birthed your two daughters and you cry over a severed limb." Not really.

On your second point, I'd hate to live with me, too. That's gotta be painful. Especially after visiting Casa Bonita.

Thanks for your input!

insanity-suits-me said...

My husband says passing a kidney stone is the greatest pain there is. His doctor says it is equal to childbirth. So i guess we're even since he's had more stones than I've had kids!!!
Hilarious post by the way!

Translator said...

Thanks, Insanity! My wife actually passed a kidney stone, and that seemed pretty painful. To her, I mean. I couldn't do anything but encourage her to pee. I'm not sure which she thinks was worse - that or childbirth. I'll let you know what she thinks.

paisley said...

well i have always had my doubts about the males ability to tolerate pain... but i would have to say they get the grand prize for having the most inventive synonyms for their "boy toys"......

Splantrik said...

The strained ankle I have been having from playing to badminton. Not as much of hurt as the nether-pendula, although.

Translator said...

Paisley - Yep. I spent a while thinking of those synonyms ;)

Splantrik - I hope your badminton ankle feels better soon. I played badminton in my backyard on Memorial Day. I didn't need a cup.

cmf said...

great post. Great point: "They say we have no idea what they go through during childbirth, but they’ve never been jabbed in the happy buttons."

My last kidney stone was just over a millimeter and a half. But that pisses off at the pain threshhold of the 9mm slug stuck in my leg. It wasn't the getting stuck part that hurt the worst though;-)