The Horse Diaper

U.S. Patent, 1998.

Returning to the language of toilets, this time we investigate horse diapers.

Tired of spending countless hours cleaning those pesky stalls? Sick of bending over to grab handfull after handfull of equine excrement? Well, fret no more!

Now you can live the lazy cowboy's dream - with the newly patented Horse Diaper (some assembly required).

Now, what do you think is more work: cleaning the floor of a stall or changing a gigantic diaper on an extremely irritated horse?

I'll stick to cleaning the floor. Heck, I'd gladly save hundreds of dollars per month on the cost of diapers if it was socially acceptable for my daughter to run free and do her business in the yard. Except that's not gonna happen. And I can't keep her in a barn.

Until she's four.

I just don't get horse diapers. Can you help me translate?

From Patently Absurd.

Oscar the Death Cat

Our journey now takes us to Providence, Rhode Island, where we will investigate the language of death. I'm sure many of you are familiar with the story of Oscar the Death Cat.

Oscar, a pet at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center, seems to have a knack for predicting when patients are going to die, by curling up next to them in their final hours.

Psychic pets have been documented well back into the seventeenth century, when a "Learned Pig", a "Wonderful Intelligent Goose", Toby the "Sapient Pig", and many others mystified onlookers with counting games and other parlor tricks.

Of course, the most famous thinking pet must be Clever Hans, a German horse, to whom the ability of arithmetic was attributed. However, an investigation in 1907 determined that Hans merely watched the reactions of his human observers to learn the answers.

Am I discounting Oscar's ability to sense the inevitability of death? Certainly not. There are many things in this world that I don't understand - things that don't seem to have "natural" explanations. Some have suggested that Oscar can smell physiological changes in patients that are about to expire - but this is no less amazing.

No, it's not that I think Oscar is a fake. I just think his services would be better put to use in other settings. It's not surprising that patients in nursing homes are close to death. But what if Oscar was employed:

1)At McDonalds - He could curl up under the feet of customers who are about to partake in their final super-sized Big Mac meal before departing for the Golden Arches in the Sky. For those people, it's time for a salad.

2)On Sky Diving Trips - He could snuggle with jumpers that are about to go "splat". For those people, it's time to find a new hobby.

3)On the Docks for Crab Fishing Boats - I'm a big fan of Deadliest Catch, on the Discovery Channel. Oscar could be used to pick the boats that have bad omens over them. For those people, it's time for a change of profession.

4)Any other ideas?

Where else would Oscar come in handy? Can you help me translate?

Anagram Anarchy - Four

U.S. Army Cipher Disk.

If you need help understanding the language of anagrams, CLICK HERE for some background.

Each time, I will produce a new anagram for a chosen word or phrase. It's your job as budding translators to rearrange the letters to produce the answer.

So here's today's anagram:

Thank Third Keg

Hint #1: Desmodus rotundus.

Rearrange the letters to solve the puzzle, and leave your answer in the comments section to this post.

Spoiler Warning: I'll also confirm the solution in the comments section after someone guesses correctly. So if you want to work it out for yourself, do so before clicking "comments".

Good luck!

Simpsonsmania is Here!

Well, it's officially here. Hype about the The Simpsons Movie is spreading across the globe as we speak, and I think the language of Simpsonsmania warrants some discussion.

I stood in line at midnight last night to be one of the first people to translate The Simpsons Movie. Like many other indoctrinated members of my generation, I wanted to experience the mania first-hand - when the doughnuts were hot, when the Squishees were cold, and before every twelve-year-old in the world recites Homer's new catch phrases by heart, ruining the pleasure of what can only be described as new classic "Homerisms".

Simsponsmaniacs around the world poured into theaters last night to witness the equivalent of three Simpsons episodes rolled into one - without commercials and the annoying "to be continued" phrase. Here are a couple movie posters from other corners of the globe:


In all, The Simpsons Movie delivers on its promises - longer running time, deeper plot lines, better animation, and a more mature brand of humor that television audiences could never hope to experience.

Still, I couldn't help but think that I was paying $10 to watch a 90 minute, made-for-tv Simpsons holiday special. I guess I'm still not quite sure that the cultural phenomenon that is The Simpsons translates properly to the Silver Screen. But for any member of the Simpsonsmania movement, The Simpsons Movie is a must-see.

I give it 4/5 passports. It's probably worth the journey!

Rosetta Rants Reviewed At My Tropical Escape

My Tropical Escape is a wonderful blog dedicated to those of us interested in chucking it all and moving to an equatorial paradise. And I'm proud to say that Terence Chang has recommended Rosetta Rants to be reviewed as a travel blog! I guess my rants about worldly wackiness qualifies my humble blog as one dealing with travel.

My Tropical Escape "...is dedicated to providing information about overseas living, pursuing entrepreneurial aspirations, and the ongoing adventures of Mark Hayward and Terrie Hayward who OWN the Palmetto Guesthouse in Culebra, Puerto Rico."

Interesting photos, tips, and inspiration for anyone curious about finding their own private beach on which to live. So if you plan to move to (or visit) a tropical escape, make sure you stop by their site. I'll be visiting regularly, and I hope you will, too!

People that Park Like Idiots Really Tick Me Off

Today, my budding translators, I'd like to discuss the language of bumper stickers. Bumper stickers can be funny, bumper stickers can be offensive, and bumper stickers can be downright stupid. One of my favorites, is the one pictured above from I Park Like An Idiot.Com.

That's right. You, too can order your own pack of 10, 40, or 100 and keep them in your glove compartment. Then you'll have them ready for the opportune moment.

I've ordered some. And believe me I'll use them. Why?

The other night at the mall, I couldn't find a parking space. Not because there weren't any spaces available. But because there weren't any USABLE spaces available due to the morons like the ones below who were ruining the whole parking experience for the rest of us.


Ok, so the last one is a bit over the top. But come on! Is it really that hard to park your car? I just don't understand people that park like idiots. But they all deserve little yellow bumper stickers the say "I Park Like an Idiot".

Do you have any examples of other interesting bumper stickers? Can you help me translate?

Photos from I Park Like an Idiot.Com.

And don't forget to send me a Postcard!

Anagram Anarchy - Three

J. Hicks Cipher Disk, London 1893.

If you need help understanding the language of anagrams, CLICK HERE for some background.

Each time, I will produce a new anagram for a chosen word or phrase. It's your job as budding translators to rearrange the letters to produce the answer.

So here's today's anagram:

Hemp Sock, Bah!

Hint #1: Cosmic Bride
Hint #2: Football

This one may be a bit more difficult. And punctuation doesn't matter.

Rearrange the letters to solve the puzzle, and leave your answer in the comments section to this post.

Spoiler Warning: I'll also confirm the solution in the comments section after someone guesses correctly. So if you want to work it out for yourself, do so before clicking "comments".

Good luck!

Postcards from the Edge : Gerri in Pendleton, SC

(Click for larger view)

For the next edition of Postcards from the Edge...of the World, we travel to Pendleton, South Carolina, the home of Gerri from Absolutely True. Gerri's postcard reads:

(Click for larger views)

Very interesting that you think the accents are wacky! I'm sure they think you have an interesting accent, too. And that's too bad about the local police. I'll bet there's an interesting story to go along with your description of "worthless", eh?

Absolutely True is one of my regular reads, where you can find information about the most astonishing items in this wacky world of ours. For example, where else would you find an image of the monorail cat, a fascinating open letter to the Burger King girl, and generally bizarre news such as the story of a teen texter that got four years for a fatal car crash?

And the best part? It's all Absolutely True!

As a translator, I totally appreciate not having to separate the fact from the crap. It may be wacky, but I can assure you that it's all true.

That's why I totally get Absolutely True. No further translation is necessary.

And if YOU are interested in sending me a postcard and having your website "Translated", it's simple! All you have to do is send me a postcard, and when I put it up on Rosetta Rants, just write a post linking to my post, so all your friends can see your card! That way, more people will learn about my idea, too! Please CLICK HERE to learn more.

And be sure to check out my new Postcards from the Edge Buttons! They're loads of fun!

Finally, CLICK HERE to read my previous postcards.

I can't wait to hear from you!

Ramen Bath

Our travels now take us to Hakone, Japan where we will investigate the language of Theme Baths. Hakone Kowakie Yunessun Hot Springs Amusement Park and Spa Resort has just opened its latest Theme Bath : The Ramen Soup Bath.

From Japan Probe:

The bath, shaped like a ramen bowl, contains pepper-flavored water colored a light, milky brown, to like tonkotsu (pork bone) ramen soup. The special bath was created jointly by the theme park and a famous ramen shop, Nantsuttei in Hadano, Kanagawa Prefecture.

The bath was completed at the unveiling event, with the owner of Nantsuttei adding “noodles” made of bathwater additives into the tub.

The water contains collagen and garlic extracts, and theme park officials claim it can help produce beautiful skin and aid moisture retention.

Sound good? Nothing like collagen and garlic extract to attract the opposite sex. Your skin may be soft, but you smell like an eggroll.

If that doesn't wet your "appetite", then perhaps you'd like to try another Theme Bath:

Red wine, anyone?

Or, perhaps some coffee?

No? Let's just stick to the traditional green tea bath.

Here are my ideas for Theme Baths:

1)Boiling Acid Pit Bath - Complete with floating skeletons.

2)Matzoh Ball Soup Bath - An old lady keeps telling you to stay in a bit longer because you look famished and you could stand to put on some weight.

3)Tar Pit Bath - You may never leave.

4)Gas Station Toilet Bath - You can visualize this one for yourself.

Any other ideas? I just don't get Theme Baths. Can you help me translate?

The Toilet Timer

U.S. Patent, 1993.

We now continue in our investigation of the language of Toilets.

Are you tired of waiting in line for that pesky porcelain pot? Too many users in your house? Well, you don't have to wait any longer. Not with the patented technology of the Toilet Timer.

Got a kid who sits for hours? Dad wasting away on the latrine? Set the timer for 5 minutes, and all your problems will be solved.

Actually, I'm not sure what happens when the timer goes off. What do you think happens?

Can you help me translate?

From Patently Absurd.

Anagram Anarchy - Two

I've decided to post a new edition of Anagram Anarchy each time the previous puzzle has been solved. If you need help understanding the language of anagrams, CLICK HERE for some background.

Each time, I will produce a new anagram for a chosen word or phrase. It's your job as budding translators to rearrange the letters to produce the answer.

So here's today's anagram:

Morphine Moss

Hint: Doughnut.

Rearrange the letters to solve the puzzle, and leave your answer in the comments section to this post.

Good luck!

Postcards from the Edge Buttons!

They're finally here! For those souls brave enough to send me a Postcard from the Edge...of the World, your buttons have arrived!

When I "translate" and link to your wonderful websites, please link to my post that showcases your excellent postcards. That way, all your friends will learn about my project.

These three buttons are an easy way to do so:



Thanks again for all your support, and I look forward to hearing from your Edge of the world!

CLICK HERE to learn more about sending me a postcard.

All Aboard!

Hello, fellow translators!

If you are interested in distributing your blog accross the blogisphere, perhaps you'd like to take part in this feed and link train! Hop on board, the voyage is just beginning! I heard about it from my friend Kuanyin at Blog-Blond.

Simply copy and paste this list of Feedburner links and blog URL's into a post, and add yours at the bottom. If you'd like to add more, feel free to add up to five. (I copied and pasted from Firefox, and it worked just fine).

Then, please subscribe to all the blogs on the list. I subscribed to all of these blogs through My Yahoo reader - it's fast, fun, and easy! Pass it along, and soon you'll be in reader heaven!

The List:

Subscribe to Blogozine
Subscribe to JohnCowdotCom
Subscribe to BobmeetsWorld
Subscribe to LifeisRisky
Subscribe to TheKingKongBlog
Subscribe to My New Hustle
Subscribe to GadgetTastic
Subscribe to Life of Browie
Subscribe to Disregard Me
Subscribe to Everybody Go To
Subscribe to Brian Vaughan
Subscribe to Fuery
Subscribe to Sam Breadstone
Subscribe to Blog-Blond
Subscribe to Who's Yo Mama?
Subscribe to The Art of Living and Dying
Subscribe to Way Khool Sites
Subscribe to Wailea Daily Photo
Subscribe to Rosetta Rants
Subscribe to Incurable Insomniac

And please leave a comment if you've hopped on board! Enjoy the ride!

Anagram Anarchy - One

We now embark onto a new journey - a weekly analysis of the language of anagrams.

From Wikipedia:

An anagram (Greek, anagramma 'letters written anew', passive participle of ana- 'again' + gramma 'letter') is a type of word play, the result of rearranging the letters of a word or phrase to produce other words, using all the original letters exactly once.

Each week, I will produce a new anagram for a chosen word or phrase. It's your job as budding translators to rearrange the letters to produce the answer.

If you are the first person to correctly identify the answer, you'll win a free "translation" of (and link to) your website. Just leave your entries in the comments to this post.

If no one gets it, the correct answer will be announced Monday morning.

This week's anagram:

Oxford Therein Hope

Hint: A secret society that has recently gained notoriety.

Can you help me translate? Good luck!

The Power of Schmooze

Schmooze - Slang (shmooz). To converse casually, especially in order to gain an advantage or make a social connection.

I found out that I was awarded the Schmooze award almost simultaneously by two great blogging buddies:

Tom at Tom's Hideaway and Editor at Deer Camp Blog.

As a translator, I'm honored to accept this wonderful ribbon for linguistic achievement! I'm glad to be part of the schmoozing community. The com-schmooz-ity, if you will.

Thanks again, guys!

The Superb Lyrebird

Superb Lyrebird (Menura novaehollandiae), Australia.

We will now trek into the deepest forests of Australia, where we will attempt to translate the language of birds. Specifically, we will investigate the incredibly complex vocalizations of the Superb Lyrebird. You won't believe the sounds that this amazing creature can imitate. Watch all the way through for the most bizarre calls:

What a fascinating language. It's just unfortunate that it now includes elements of our destructive "vernacular", too.

What do you think will be the next addition to the Lyrebird's dialect?

Can you help me translate?

Postcards from the Edge : Kuanyin in Maui, HI

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Our next journey takes us to Maui, Hawaii, the home of my friend Kuanyin of Blog-Blond. Kuanyin recently sent me the latest entry for Postcards from the Edge...of the World, featuring one of my favorite animals:

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Thanks, Kuanyin! It sounds like a beautiful and "happy" place to live! And as a Melanoma Researcher, I must say that tanning beds are more than a waste of money - they're evil!

WEAR YOUR SUNSCREEN, KIDS!

Blog-Blond is a wonderful place to go and join the "class", to learn a whole bunch about blogging. And with a teacher that looks like that, how can you go wrong?

Do you want to know how to increase your Technorati ranking? Read Blog-Blond. Do you want to learn about joining "U Comment, I Follow"? Read Blog-Blond. Want to learn anything and everything about blogging?

Visit Blog-Blond. It's a website that I totally get. No further translation necessary.

And if YOU are interested in sending me a postcard and having your website "Translated", it's simple! All you have to do is send me a postcard, and when I put it up on Rosetta Rants, just write a post linking to my post, so all your friends can see your card! That way, more people will learn about my idea, too! Please CLICK HERE to learn more.

And CLICK HERE to read my previous postcards.

I can't wait to hear from you!

Keystone, Colorado

We now travel to beautiful Keystone, Colorado, where my good friend Splantrik has met me for a few days of R&R.

It's an awesome resort, even in Summer. Lots of outdoor activities for everyone - boating, fishing, hiking, swimming, and of course, my favorite pastime - eating.

The Snake River.

Yesterday, we went for a hike along the Snake River. Saw lots of barn swallows, and the scenery was amazing.

I think we're off to rent a boat on lake Dillon and to do some fishing.

Back to translating tonight.

Toilet Landing Lights

U.S. Patent, 1993.

One of the most popular subjects on this blog has to be the language of toilets. I've posted many times on "potty humor", and those posts have always been my most popular. I can't explain it. It must have something to do with my readership. Well, here's another:

Have you ever had to use the restroom in the middle of the night? Sure, you have.

But have you ever tried to use the restroom without those pesky lights that make you squint? Sure, you have. And you probably fell in, right?

Well, no more! Thanks to the amazing and futuristic Toilet Landing Lights! Flip the lid, and you'll feel as though you've been teleported to the Death Star, ready to evacuate your waste into the furthest reaches of space.

But seriously, "landing lights" sounds like you're parking something really big in a hangar, or something.

That's right, buy your own set of Johnny Lights, today! (Batteries not included).

I just don't get the language of Toilet Lights. Maybe they just need a better name.

Can you help me translate?


From Patently Absurd.

Postcards from the Edge : Splantrik in Santa Fe, NM

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My next Postcards from the Edge...of the World have arrived from St. John's College, in Santa Fe, New Mexico. My great friend Splantrik, at Splantrik's Superness has sent his second round of cards! That's right. Out galavanting around the world, Splantrik took the time to send your humble Translator some postcards:

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Ahem...yes, well very nice. I'm not quite sure what saltwater can be found in Santa Fe, but it's very interesting. And I'm sorry you don't like the small rocks in Santa Fe. Perhaps when you visit Denver, I can provide you with a very nice assortment of rocks.

(Click for larger views)

Bless you. And I'm sorry you don't have proper eye wear for your trip. By the way, Splantrik, you should say "hi" to Jaya while you're down there!

If you would like to see my review of the wonderfully random Splantrik's Superness, please CLICK HERE.

And if YOU are interested in sending me a postcard and having your website "Translated", it's simple! All you have to do is send me a postcard, and when I put it up on Rosetta Rants, just write a post linking to my post, so all your friends can see your card! That way, more people will learn about my idea, too! Please CLICK HERE to learn more.

And CLICK HERE to read my previous postcards.

I can't wait to hear from you!