Jammin Johns

We now return to our discussion about the language of toilets. In this episode, we'll travel to Evansville, Indiana where Jammin Johns is producing toilet seats of a musical nature.

Their motto:

Combining the comfort of a finely crafted bathroom accoutrement with the legendary looks of your favorite guitars.

Sounds lovely. And it seems they have two other styles available:

With a clientele list that includes Roy Rogers, Steven Spielberg, The Bob and Tom Show, Travis Meeks, and Willie Nelson, it seems that at least five people get the concept of Jammin Johns.

I, however, am having a difficult time translating the idea of musical toilet seats into something that makes sense. Musical toilet seats sounds kinda like a sick game, though. Doesn't it?

Ok, let's try to understand this. So you really love music. Let's say you're in a band, and you have a nice guitar. Is the first thing that comes to mind : "Hey, I really want to sit on something like this when I relieve myself"? Or: "This guitar is awesome. I wish I could crap on something like this."

I'm guessing nope.

If I followed that logic, I should have the following toilet seats in MY house based on MY hobbies:

1)A toilet seat fashioned from a racquetball racquet. You'd have some pretty weird marks on your behind after sitting on it.

2)A toilet seat fashioned from a comfortable office chair. I wouldn't even need to leave the restroom to do my blogging!

3)A toilet seat fashioned from my Weber grill. Ah, the joys of Summer!

Do you have any other ideas for toilet seats in YOUR house, based on YOUR hobbies? Can you help me translate?

The Horse Diaper

U.S. Patent, 1998.

Returning to the language of toilets, this time we investigate horse diapers.

Tired of spending countless hours cleaning those pesky stalls? Sick of bending over to grab handfull after handfull of equine excrement? Well, fret no more!

Now you can live the lazy cowboy's dream - with the newly patented Horse Diaper (some assembly required).

Now, what do you think is more work: cleaning the floor of a stall or changing a gigantic diaper on an extremely irritated horse?

I'll stick to cleaning the floor. Heck, I'd gladly save hundreds of dollars per month on the cost of diapers if it was socially acceptable for my daughter to run free and do her business in the yard. Except that's not gonna happen. And I can't keep her in a barn.

Until she's four.

I just don't get horse diapers. Can you help me translate?

From Patently Absurd.

The Toilet Timer

U.S. Patent, 1993.

We now continue in our investigation of the language of Toilets.

Are you tired of waiting in line for that pesky porcelain pot? Too many users in your house? Well, you don't have to wait any longer. Not with the patented technology of the Toilet Timer.

Got a kid who sits for hours? Dad wasting away on the latrine? Set the timer for 5 minutes, and all your problems will be solved.

Actually, I'm not sure what happens when the timer goes off. What do you think happens?

Can you help me translate?

From Patently Absurd.

Toilet Landing Lights

U.S. Patent, 1993.

One of the most popular subjects on this blog has to be the language of toilets. I've posted many times on "potty humor", and those posts have always been my most popular. I can't explain it. It must have something to do with my readership. Well, here's another:

Have you ever had to use the restroom in the middle of the night? Sure, you have.

But have you ever tried to use the restroom without those pesky lights that make you squint? Sure, you have. And you probably fell in, right?

Well, no more! Thanks to the amazing and futuristic Toilet Landing Lights! Flip the lid, and you'll feel as though you've been teleported to the Death Star, ready to evacuate your waste into the furthest reaches of space.

But seriously, "landing lights" sounds like you're parking something really big in a hangar, or something.

That's right, buy your own set of Johnny Lights, today! (Batteries not included).

I just don't get the language of Toilet Lights. Maybe they just need a better name.

Can you help me translate?


From Patently Absurd.

China Debuts World's Largest Public Toilet

While we're on a roll, let's stay in China, where the city of Chongqing has opened a 30,000-square-foot public restroom, featuring more than 1,000 theme toilets. Doesn't the little girl in the photo look scared? I would be, too.

From Yahoo News:

"We are spreading toilet culture. People can listen to gentle music and watch TV," said Lu Xiaoqing, an official with the Yangrenjie, or "Foreigners Street," tourist area where the bathroom is located. "After they use the bathroom they will be very, very happy."

Toilet culture? What about spreading disease?

Sanitation should really come first, when it comes to public toilets. Peeing into a urinal shaped like the Virgin Mary is less important to me:



And what's with those drinking fountains? I just don't get theme restrooms.

Can you help me translate?

The Toilet Snorkel

U.S. Patent issued in 1982. Courtesy Patently Absurd.

Here in the United States, we have some pretty weird gadgets. Take, for example, the Toilet Snorkel.

If you are trapped in a burning building, toxic smoke inhalation poses the most immediate threat. So, an inventor thought that sticking a tube down the toilet would be a good place to find fresh air.

Huh?

When is the last time you said: "Gee, that toilet probably has some pretty nice-smelling air inside it." Or: "Gee, I wonder what it would taste like if I breathed the air from inside the toilet pipes." Or: "Gee, the toilet is the only place I can find fresh air in this bathroom filled with smoke."

Never.

What about the sink? What about the bathtub? What about getting the heck out of the bathroom filled with smoke before you need to resort to finding the toilet snorkel, unpacking it, reading the instructions, sticking sewer air into your lungs, and burning to death while you're sucking on toilet juices.

Hmm...toxic sewer air or toxic smoky air? I'll take the smoke. It's more sanitary.

I just don't get the Toilet Snorkel. Can you help me translate?

World Wide Toilet

Translation: "When you know you're spending way too much time blogging."

Photo courtesy The Daily Weird.

Japanese Super Toilets

The Toto Washlet s400.

Our next stop will be Japan, where we will investigate the language of cleanliness. The Japanese have a fascination with cleanliness – separating their living spaces into “clean” and “unclean” areas – and this naturally results in a culture obsessed with toilets. (Seeing that my most popular posts have dealt with man marble injuries and truck nuts, I thought that the subject of toilets may satisfy you need for “potty humor”).

Wikipedia describes the culture of cleanliness in Japan quite well:

In Japan, being clean is very important, and some Japanese words for 'clean' can be used to describe beauty. The word kirei (奇麗, きれい) can be defined as "pretty, beautiful; clean; pure; orderly."

Perhaps this explains the popularity of the Japan-based company Toto, the world’s largest manufacturer of toilets. Toto not only produces the largest number of toilets worldwide, they’re also responsible for the world’s most advanced toilets, known as Washlets (ウォシュレット) in Japan.

For example, the Toto s400, pictured above, includes cleansing water jets with adjustable water temperature, adjustable temperature air blowers, air purifiers (for the benefit of bystanders), an auto open and close heated seat, and a remote control panel that looks like the cockpit of the space shuttle. Some even play the first few tunes of Op. 62 Nr. 6 Frühlingslied by Felix Mendelssohn to relax your…mind.

A Washlet control panel.

Now, I agree that cleanliness is next to Godliness. But Holy Crap! Ahem…seems like holy crap is something you would want to flush down one of those things. And I’d be afraid I would push the wrong button and blast my nubblies off into outer space. In fact, in Britain, an advanced “Super Toilet” did recently blow itself to pieces due to an electrical malfunction. Talk about explosive diarrhea…

Seriously, it looks like you can order pizza and withdraw money from that control panel. Japanese people will soon be able to live their entire life from a sitting position. I mean it’s pretty neat and all that an entire Culture of Crappers has emerged in Japan, but I just don’t get the Japanese language of cleanliness.

Can you help me translate?

Update: Greg Laden has a great story about the symbols used on Super Toilets.