The Horse Diaper

U.S. Patent, 1998.

Returning to the language of toilets, this time we investigate horse diapers.

Tired of spending countless hours cleaning those pesky stalls? Sick of bending over to grab handfull after handfull of equine excrement? Well, fret no more!

Now you can live the lazy cowboy's dream - with the newly patented Horse Diaper (some assembly required).

Now, what do you think is more work: cleaning the floor of a stall or changing a gigantic diaper on an extremely irritated horse?

I'll stick to cleaning the floor. Heck, I'd gladly save hundreds of dollars per month on the cost of diapers if it was socially acceptable for my daughter to run free and do her business in the yard. Except that's not gonna happen. And I can't keep her in a barn.

Until she's four.

I just don't get horse diapers. Can you help me translate?

From Patently Absurd.

The Toilet Timer

U.S. Patent, 1993.

We now continue in our investigation of the language of Toilets.

Are you tired of waiting in line for that pesky porcelain pot? Too many users in your house? Well, you don't have to wait any longer. Not with the patented technology of the Toilet Timer.

Got a kid who sits for hours? Dad wasting away on the latrine? Set the timer for 5 minutes, and all your problems will be solved.

Actually, I'm not sure what happens when the timer goes off. What do you think happens?

Can you help me translate?

From Patently Absurd.

Toilet Landing Lights

U.S. Patent, 1993.

One of the most popular subjects on this blog has to be the language of toilets. I've posted many times on "potty humor", and those posts have always been my most popular. I can't explain it. It must have something to do with my readership. Well, here's another:

Have you ever had to use the restroom in the middle of the night? Sure, you have.

But have you ever tried to use the restroom without those pesky lights that make you squint? Sure, you have. And you probably fell in, right?

Well, no more! Thanks to the amazing and futuristic Toilet Landing Lights! Flip the lid, and you'll feel as though you've been teleported to the Death Star, ready to evacuate your waste into the furthest reaches of space.

But seriously, "landing lights" sounds like you're parking something really big in a hangar, or something.

That's right, buy your own set of Johnny Lights, today! (Batteries not included).

I just don't get the language of Toilet Lights. Maybe they just need a better name.

Can you help me translate?


From Patently Absurd.

The Toilet Snorkel

U.S. Patent issued in 1982. Courtesy Patently Absurd.

Here in the United States, we have some pretty weird gadgets. Take, for example, the Toilet Snorkel.

If you are trapped in a burning building, toxic smoke inhalation poses the most immediate threat. So, an inventor thought that sticking a tube down the toilet would be a good place to find fresh air.

Huh?

When is the last time you said: "Gee, that toilet probably has some pretty nice-smelling air inside it." Or: "Gee, I wonder what it would taste like if I breathed the air from inside the toilet pipes." Or: "Gee, the toilet is the only place I can find fresh air in this bathroom filled with smoke."

Never.

What about the sink? What about the bathtub? What about getting the heck out of the bathroom filled with smoke before you need to resort to finding the toilet snorkel, unpacking it, reading the instructions, sticking sewer air into your lungs, and burning to death while you're sucking on toilet juices.

Hmm...toxic sewer air or toxic smoky air? I'll take the smoke. It's more sanitary.

I just don't get the Toilet Snorkel. Can you help me translate?

PuchiPuchi

We now travel to Japan, where we will investigate the language of wasting time. Specifically, we will try to understand the universal appeal of bubble wrap.

Why do we love bubble wrap?

Is it the inherent human desire to increase entropy?

I mean, if you see a glass vase precariously hanging over the edge of a shelf, which would be more satisfying: pushing the vase back onto the shelf or gently tapping the vase so that it falls and smashes into a million tiny pieces?

The smashing thing, right?

It's because we all like destruction, and the little tiny air packets of joy allow us to enjoy miniature explosions without doing any real harm.

Or is it because it makes nifty sounds that relieve stress? Who knows. Whatever the reason for our unholy attraction to the bubbles, we may now all enjoy the snap, crackle, and pop at any time and at any place.

CScout Japan reported on Bandai Asovision's new portable bubble wrap toy, the PuchiPuchi.


That's right. Strap it to your key chain and:
Pop at work. Be a Professional popper.
Pop at school. You can be a Preppy popper.
Pop in the restroom. Pop while you poop.
Pop in Church. Heck, if the Pope can pop, so can you!
Pop at the you-fill-in-the-blank-location. It's POPTASTIC!

But why?

I still don't understand the attraction. Can you help me translate?

Update: Jaya pointed me in the direction of virtual bubble wrap. Check it out! Warning: it's addictive!

Japanese Super Toilets

The Toto Washlet s400.

Our next stop will be Japan, where we will investigate the language of cleanliness. The Japanese have a fascination with cleanliness – separating their living spaces into “clean” and “unclean” areas – and this naturally results in a culture obsessed with toilets. (Seeing that my most popular posts have dealt with man marble injuries and truck nuts, I thought that the subject of toilets may satisfy you need for “potty humor”).

Wikipedia describes the culture of cleanliness in Japan quite well:

In Japan, being clean is very important, and some Japanese words for 'clean' can be used to describe beauty. The word kirei (奇麗, きれい) can be defined as "pretty, beautiful; clean; pure; orderly."

Perhaps this explains the popularity of the Japan-based company Toto, the world’s largest manufacturer of toilets. Toto not only produces the largest number of toilets worldwide, they’re also responsible for the world’s most advanced toilets, known as Washlets (ウォシュレット) in Japan.

For example, the Toto s400, pictured above, includes cleansing water jets with adjustable water temperature, adjustable temperature air blowers, air purifiers (for the benefit of bystanders), an auto open and close heated seat, and a remote control panel that looks like the cockpit of the space shuttle. Some even play the first few tunes of Op. 62 Nr. 6 Frühlingslied by Felix Mendelssohn to relax your…mind.

A Washlet control panel.

Now, I agree that cleanliness is next to Godliness. But Holy Crap! Ahem…seems like holy crap is something you would want to flush down one of those things. And I’d be afraid I would push the wrong button and blast my nubblies off into outer space. In fact, in Britain, an advanced “Super Toilet” did recently blow itself to pieces due to an electrical malfunction. Talk about explosive diarrhea…

Seriously, it looks like you can order pizza and withdraw money from that control panel. Japanese people will soon be able to live their entire life from a sitting position. I mean it’s pretty neat and all that an entire Culture of Crappers has emerged in Japan, but I just don’t get the Japanese language of cleanliness.

Can you help me translate?

Update: Greg Laden has a great story about the symbols used on Super Toilets.

OFRO The Robot Guard

We now travel to South Korea, where scientists have developed the world's first robot designed to protect children. Dubbed OFRO, the contraption "...could be useful in alerting staff in case outsiders intend to seduce students. "

Seduce students?

What is this, the world's first mechanical chastity belt? I guess seduction is a major problem in South Korean schools. Not drugs or violence. Just seduction. A little wine, a little candlelight, and...

Anyway, whatever happened to good old human labor? Or fences? Don't you think schools should safely keep their children on school grounds using fences and HUMAN security guards? I mean, the article said OFRO "...is able to patrol pre-programmed routes or it can be controlled by a human..." Ok, so if you're gonna have some guy driving the damn thing, why not just pay a security guard?

Here's a better idea. Save the remotely-operated robots for the battlefield - where we can save the lives of our soldiers. And let's design the thing a little better:

Let's call it OPRAH! What do you think?

I think it would scare the hell out of our enemies! Now that makes sense.

Or what about AFRO? That would be awesome!

South Korea, you've got some splainin' to do about OFRO. Robotic seduction-preventing guards? That's the best you can do?

I just don't get it. Can you help me translate?


Via Shoutwire.

Truck Nuts

Let's begin our journey into the unknown by stepping right outside my front door, here in Colorado.

Yesterday, on the way home from work, I spied a truck with something "extra" hanging off the back end. Upon further examination, I was assaulted by the image of two, giant, blue - truck nuts.

Are those....?....yes, they are! I thought.

As seen in the image above, I guess truck owners can now order these online for various reasons.

I guess one reason would be to show that one's truck is "manly".

I guess another reason would be to show that a truck's OWNER is manly. Although, if that's the case, I don't see how projecting one's "manliness" to the rear hitch of one's truck would accomplish much of anything. Plus, wouldn't it hurt if you take a dip too fast?

I just don't get it. Can you help me translate?

Howard's Translation: "I have a small penis and must compensate."

Beenzzz's Translation: "The small penis thing PLUS, he still wets his bed."