Lifegems

LifeGem...

Love. Life's single greatest risk. Life's single greatest reward. Love captures your heart in a second and holds it for eternity.

You have known the feeling of pure joy and elation, and it will be forever cherished. Love is more than a memory.

You have experienced a love without equal. You have had someone truly special in your life and mere words simply will not do.

Love knows no boundaries. Love knows no end.

So, let's make a gemstone out of the carbon from your dead loved one's body.

That's right. We now travel to Elk Grove Village, Illinois where LifeGem® is creating certified high-quality diamonds from the carbon of your loved ones as a memorial to their unique life.

What's more, it is no longer necessary to use the cremated remains of an entire body. LifeGem's patented technology now requires only a lock of hair to harvest all the required carbon.

What does this mean?

It is now possible to create LifeGems from locks of hair around the world, including famous locks of hair.

If you're interested, check out Project Beethoven Lifegem, where three LifeGems, fashioned from the carbon of Beethoven's hair, will be auctioned off to buy LifeGems for the less fortunate.

How they got Beethoven's hair I don't want to know.

But I think it's kinda cool. I think.


But don't take my word for it:

All I can say is putting my husband’s death into something with so much LIFE was the best move I cold have ever made. All my love to you and anyone who had a hand in my husbands Death and rebirth......Elizabeth Hile Needham, Wife.

Gray had a great sense of humour and joked that not only would I be able to take him with me wherever I went – I would also be able to nag him- I do too! Initially I had reservations but knew how much it meant to Gray so I went ahead with his wishes. I’m so glad I did. I had the stone set in a ring and I never take it off. It’s the most beautiful thing I own and I joke that he hasn’t lost his sparkle......Mary Sikes, Wife.

Thank you so very much...it is absolutely stunning. I opened the box, and there it was..the exact color of my mother's eyes!.......Meredith Deming, Daughter.

We want to thank you for giving us this gift just before the one year anniversary of Hannah's birthday into Heaven.......Susi Rowley, Mother.


And if you're worried that you can't afford a LifeGem for every member of your family, don't fret. There is now a LifeGem Family Plan available.

I just don't get the concept of LifeGems. Perhaps I'm just a little too narrow-minded, but it seems a bit obsessive. I mean, I understand the idea of immortality through preserving physical remains, a concept perfected by the Egyptians.

But when I kick the bucket, I just hope they can find a big dirt hole, in which my Earthly remains can take a nice, long nap. And if I turn into a deposit of diamonds after 10,000 years through natural means, so be it. That's the only way you're gonna get a gemstone out of me.

What do you think? Can you help me translate?

The Dialectizer

Ever wonder what your website would look like translated into a Jive dialect?

Well, wonder no more!

Now you, can translate your page into Redneck, Jive, Cockney, Elmer Fudd, Swedish Chef, and Pig Latin dialects at the click of a button!

My good friend Tom over at Tom's Hideaway pointed me in the direction of the Dialectizer, by Rinkworks.Com.

Wanna hear that in Jive?

Mah' baaaad homey Tom upside at Tom's Hideaway pointed me in de direcshun uh de Dialectizer, by Rinkwo'ks.Com. WORD!

How about Swedish Chef?

My guud freeend Tum oofer et Tum's Heedeevey pueented me-a in zee durecshun ooff zee Deeelectizer, by Reenkvurks. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

You see! No more awkward silence when trying to communicate with cockney bartenders or redneck convenience store clerks.

And if you want to incorporate the Dialectizer into your own website, check out the widget I've created in my sidebar to the right.

Want one?

Feel free to grab the code, but please include the Rosetta Rants banner at the bottom so people will know the location of me, your loyal and hardworking Translator.

How to do it:

In your browser, view this page's page source.

Use the Find function in your browser to locate the line of code that contains:

"Dialectize this page" (It will be the second occurrence)

Select that line of code all the way through the line of code that contains:

"Dialects by Rinkworks.Com"

Copy all that code and paste it into an editor.

Replace each "rosettarants.blogspot.com" with your own URL (without http://).

Paste the final version into your own webpage! You may have to play with the borders and such to get it to look right. If that doesn't work, email me and I'll send you a text version of the code. Don't worry - I don't mind. A Translator's work is never done!


Enjoy!
Blimey!
Enjoyyay!
Fry mah hide!
Right on!
Waskowy wabbit!

Simpsonsmania is Here!

Well, it's officially here. Hype about the The Simpsons Movie is spreading across the globe as we speak, and I think the language of Simpsonsmania warrants some discussion.

I stood in line at midnight last night to be one of the first people to translate The Simpsons Movie. Like many other indoctrinated members of my generation, I wanted to experience the mania first-hand - when the doughnuts were hot, when the Squishees were cold, and before every twelve-year-old in the world recites Homer's new catch phrases by heart, ruining the pleasure of what can only be described as new classic "Homerisms".

Simsponsmaniacs around the world poured into theaters last night to witness the equivalent of three Simpsons episodes rolled into one - without commercials and the annoying "to be continued" phrase. Here are a couple movie posters from other corners of the globe:


In all, The Simpsons Movie delivers on its promises - longer running time, deeper plot lines, better animation, and a more mature brand of humor that television audiences could never hope to experience.

Still, I couldn't help but think that I was paying $10 to watch a 90 minute, made-for-tv Simpsons holiday special. I guess I'm still not quite sure that the cultural phenomenon that is The Simpsons translates properly to the Silver Screen. But for any member of the Simpsonsmania movement, The Simpsons Movie is a must-see.

I give it 4/5 passports. It's probably worth the journey!

Rosetta Rants Reviewed At My Tropical Escape

My Tropical Escape is a wonderful blog dedicated to those of us interested in chucking it all and moving to an equatorial paradise. And I'm proud to say that Terence Chang has recommended Rosetta Rants to be reviewed as a travel blog! I guess my rants about worldly wackiness qualifies my humble blog as one dealing with travel.

My Tropical Escape "...is dedicated to providing information about overseas living, pursuing entrepreneurial aspirations, and the ongoing adventures of Mark Hayward and Terrie Hayward who OWN the Palmetto Guesthouse in Culebra, Puerto Rico."

Interesting photos, tips, and inspiration for anyone curious about finding their own private beach on which to live. So if you plan to move to (or visit) a tropical escape, make sure you stop by their site. I'll be visiting regularly, and I hope you will, too!

Transformers : The Ultimate Translators

I just saw Transformers. It was quite entertaining, yet expectedly juvenile. I'd recommend it for those who want a summer-roller-coaster-ride type of flick. Overall, I give it 4/5 passports: it's probably worth the trip for sheer entertainment value.


But this post isn't just a review.

If you think about it, the Transformers are kind of like the ultimate Translators - changing from one physical form into another. They even inspire change among moviegoers.

For example, this evening we saw some kids dressed up in cardboard costumes. Great fun, and I'm glad they had the creativity and energy to drop their video games and actually MAKE something. I'm not complaining. I just think their "translation" of Optimus Prime was a bit off - one older looking kid in particular.

Here's how Optimus Prime appears in the movie:


And here's about how Optimus Prime appeared this evening:



I think his "translation" was a bit off. I just don't get it. What is he trying to say?

Can you help him translate?

WierdConverter

As a translator of sorts, I am quite interested in conversions. Now, I’m not talking about religious conversions, although those are quite interesting, too. I mean things like converting one language to another, conversion of cultural norms, and – metric conversions.

Haven’t you always wondered how many newborn babies it would take to weigh as much as an African elephant?

1616.723253333

How about how many T-Rex’s would you need to stand on top of each other to reach the top of the Empire State building?

36.933336847

These and many other amazing-yet-weird conversions are available at the WeirdConverter site.

Interested in how many average bowel movements it would take to make up a Tom Cruise? One, you say? Wrong.

Check out the converter for the answer. First person with the correct answer wins a prize equaling 0.004761904761905 of a gas tanker semi truck. Figure that one out.

I totally get this site. No further translation necessary. Except for the conversion-type translations that will take place on the site. That’s the whole point.

Lost in Translation

Pieter Bruegel, The Tower of Babel, 1563.

Let us now investigate the language of …well, language. Why are there so many languages? Why are cultures largely defined by the language spoken within specific boundaries? Why can’t we all just get along – linguistically?

I’m not sure that I have answers for these questions. I’m not sure that anyone does. But the fact that there are so many languages and cultures on this beautiful planet is one of the driving forces behind this blog.

The book of Genesis describes the destruction of the Tower of Babel and the confusion of a unified human language. Man wanted to reach for the heavens, and God said something like: “Now, wait a minute. I don’t think so.” And he split us up into various cultures with different languages.

Now, what I think was so nifty about the Rosetta Stone, is that allowed us to undo some of that destruction. The combined Demotic, Hieroglyphics, and ancient Greek inscriptions allowed us to decipher one of the world’s lost civilizations – ancient Egypt. A piece of the Tower had been rebuilt.

And now, Carl Tashian is again piecing together the scattered fragments of Babel with his website Lost in Translation – and then pulling them right back down, burning them, scattering the ashes, and whizzing overzealously on the remains - all for the sake of a good time.

And a good time it is.

Tashian’s site allows you to enter any phrase or sentence – and translate that entry back and forth between five different languages, using a dynamic interface with Babelfish.

Here’s an example. I entered this sentence:

Rosetta Rants is the coolest and most interesting website that I have ever come across during my travels in cyberspace.

And I got this “babelized” translation:

Rants I gave to Rosetta the site of the Web of frischste is one and more interesting, of which everything agrees I found during my courses in Cyberspace.

This came from an English to French to English to German to English to Italian to English to Portuguese to English to Spanish to English translation. And if we tell the program to include Chinese, Japanese, and Korean, we get this:

The calmed site of the Web must, the one that interests the praise of the declared rosette of the certain material of that inside inside,the course for the low point, period of the station of the work more when cyber, is most interesting.

Notice how the length increased quite a bit? This is a perfect example of Chinglish, which will be explained at a further time. For now, all you need to know is that Lost in Translation provides hours of unstoppable Rosetta Fun!

Check it out for yourself!

I definitely get this website. No further translation necessary.

(Except for the translation done on that website, because that’s the point).

Update: Greg Laden's blog has some great examples of Babelized sentences.

Translator’s Top Ten Ways to Get your Blog Nominated for a Blogger’s Choice Award

If you haven’t visited, you should really check out Blogger’s Choice Awards. It’s where the best of the best blogs are showcased on the world (wide web)’s biggest stage. And you, discerning readers, get to vote. Winners will be announced November 10^th at PostieCon in LasVegas, NV.

I’ve recently been drawn to the glamour, the lights, the – ability to vote. And I’ve nominated several deserving blogs. Be sure to check them out at the bottom of this post.

So what are the Translator’s key’s to getting nominated? As an accomplished translator of language, culture, and just plain weird stuff, I’m fairly qualified to sift through the gibberish and find the diamonds in the rough:

1)Be original. Everyone can write a blog about themselves. Why are YOU different from everyone else?

2)Be an authority. Why should we listen to YOU? Do you actually KNOW anything about anything?

3)Carve out a defined niche. As you can tell by the clear-cut categories on Blogger’s Choice, you should probably decide what it is you’re actually blogging about before you get too involved. Because after a year, it’s probably too late to turn back.

4)Make your blog easy to translate. Even I, the amazing Translator, have trouble understanding incoherent drivel. And use a spell checker – they’re cheap.

5)Be entertaining. Nobody cares about what you had for breakfast. Except your mom. And then, maybe she doesn’t. Unless you ate something really cool like a flaming pile of pumpkin pancakes with chocolate syrup. Why? I don’t know.

6)Personal touches are fine, but stay on topic. How does your topic RELATE to your world? I appreciate it when a specific topic is applied to a blogger’s world. Like farting. Farting alone is boring. But when Beenzzz farts – ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! Well, no. Farting alone is often unavoidable. And I've never heard Beenzzz talking about farting. You get the point.

7)Post consistently. If you don't care enough to post often, I don’t care enough to read. It’s that simple.

8)Offer advice or write reviews. As a world traveler, I appreciate hints about how to save some time, some money, or some embarrassment. Like that time in Venice. Oh, boy. If only I had read more blogs in the Eighties.

9)Encourage conversation and reply to comments. Because one-sided conversations suck. I mean, I didn’t sit in school for twenty-five years just to listen to more lectures on the web.

10)Be a really, really hot babe blogger. That never hurts.

So, check out Blogger’s Choice. You can nominate your own blogs and vote for the excellent blogs already nominated! Oh, and you can nominate your own blog, too. But you still need votes!

These are the blogs that I definitely get. No further translation necessary:

Best Animal Blogger: Cat On My Head. Voting Page!

Best Blog about Stuff: ......why-paisley? Voting Page!

Best Humor Blog: The Stealthy Bean. Voting Page!

Best Hobby Blog: Fishing Fiesta. Voting Page!

The Toilet Bowl

Let us now head to Taipei, Taiwan, where we can grab a meal at a local favorite: The Toilet Bowl. That's right, a potty-themed restaurant where you can "rest" while eating. The first thing that came to mind was: WHY?

I guess these children seem to be enjoying themselves. But I can't think of any reason, other than sheer gimmick, why I would want to eat in a restaurant filled with old crappers.


Wait. There was this Chinese place downtown in which I did get some pretty freakin' bad food poisoning. I guess that place could've used seats made out of toilets. Then I wouldn't have had to leave the table when I shat acid violently out of my burning ass and vomited for 36 hours until my lungs came out of my mouth with bits and pieces of my ruptured bowels.

That wasn't fun.

But I still don't really understand why you would want to eat at The Toilet Bowl in Taiwan. I guess people have their reasons.

I just don't get it. Can you help me translate?

From Odd Culture.

OFRO The Robot Guard

We now travel to South Korea, where scientists have developed the world's first robot designed to protect children. Dubbed OFRO, the contraption "...could be useful in alerting staff in case outsiders intend to seduce students. "

Seduce students?

What is this, the world's first mechanical chastity belt? I guess seduction is a major problem in South Korean schools. Not drugs or violence. Just seduction. A little wine, a little candlelight, and...

Anyway, whatever happened to good old human labor? Or fences? Don't you think schools should safely keep their children on school grounds using fences and HUMAN security guards? I mean, the article said OFRO "...is able to patrol pre-programmed routes or it can be controlled by a human..." Ok, so if you're gonna have some guy driving the damn thing, why not just pay a security guard?

Here's a better idea. Save the remotely-operated robots for the battlefield - where we can save the lives of our soldiers. And let's design the thing a little better:

Let's call it OPRAH! What do you think?

I think it would scare the hell out of our enemies! Now that makes sense.

Or what about AFRO? That would be awesome!

South Korea, you've got some splainin' to do about OFRO. Robotic seduction-preventing guards? That's the best you can do?

I just don't get it. Can you help me translate?


Via Shoutwire.

Casa Bonita

Our next journey takes us to the heart of old Mexico - to one of the finest Mexican restaurants in the world - Casa Bonita.

Ok. It's in the middle of Denver, Colorado, and the food is just mediocre. My family and I just happened to grab some dinner and entertainment there this evening.

You may remember Casa Bonita from a little show called South Park:

The similarity is striking. It's almost as if Matt Stone and Trey Parker have actually been to the restaurant. Several times. Many times, in fact. Here's the scene from this evening (Nikon D70s):

And here's the scene with Cartman (and follow link to hear Cartman):

Uncanny.

Also, it looks like Cartman ordered the same thing I did : the beef deluxe dinner - all you can eat, baby! Can you guess how many tacos I ate?

But what's the point of this post? It's obviously not just going to be a shameless endorsement for the restaurant. I can't argue, Babygirl Translator and Girl Translator both love it. But that's not what this blog is about. I want to get down to the nitty gritty about the cultural phenomena that make us unique.

So, what's unique about Casa Bonita?

We ate in a cave tonight. That's unique.

And we ate food that came out of a can - with lettuce and cheese on top. The point is, you could serve yesterday's monkey shit from the zoo and kids would still flock to Casa Bonita, pulling their parents (and their wallets) behind them. It's not about the food - it's about the waterfall, the cave, and the...the...guy in a monkey suit always threatening to jump from the shadows.

The Waterfall (from whence Cartman lunged)

The point of all this, is that some time in our life we switch from an emphasis on entertainment to an emphasis on culinary perfection. We no longer need monkeys singing and dancing...we just need a nice glass of wine and a thick juicy steak. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy some dining fun with the kids, every once in a while. I'm just not sure when (or why) the culinary growing-up-switch is activated.

I just don't get it. Can you help me translate?

Howard's Translation: "Only go if you have kids. They are the only ones who understand the appeal, but prepare to roll your eyes. A lot."

Sapheyerblu's translation: "If we keep their attention placed on the divers, they won't notice how nasty the food is".