Translating Kidspeak : One

Having spent the last four years with Girl Translator and Baby Girl Translator running around the Translator Estate, I’ve slowly gathered the knowledge necessary to accurately translate the Language of Kidspeak. Not since the Rosetta Stone helped us to decipher the lost mysteries of ancient Egypt, has modern man attempted a translation project of this magnitude.

Here’s the first installment of my monumental translation endeavor:

“Yes, I cleaned my room.”

Translation: I shoved my dirty clothes into the corner and put stuff in piles around the room.

“My legs don’t work!”

Translation: I don’t want to go to school, even though there is nothing physiologically wrong with my limbs.

“I don’t have to go potty.”

Translation: I will have to go potty in three or four minutes, which may coincide with the start of our car trip.

“That’s mine!”

Translation: Anything my little sister touches is desirable since she has shown interest in it.

Stay tuned for more. I'm working on it.

Spamlation Translation : One

Does anyone take the time to appreciate Spam, these days? It can be quite entertaining. The following is an actual email that I received today:


FROM THE DESK OF
THE DEPUTY GOVERNOR
RESERVE BANK OF SOUTH AFRICA.
370 CHURCH STREET PRETORIA 0002,
P.O.BOX 3925 PRETORIA 0001,
SOUTH AFRICA.


PAYMENT AUTHENTICATION.

I AM DR. RENOSI MOKATE DEPUTY GOVERNOR OF RESERVE BANK OF SOUTH AFRICA, MY OFFICE MONITORS AND CONTROLS THE AFFAIRS OF ALL BANKS AND FINANCIAL INSTITUTION IN SOUTH AFRICA CONCERNED WITH FOREIGN CONTRACT PAYMENTS.

I AM THE FINAL SIGNATORY TO ANY TRANSFER OR REMITTANCE OF HUGE FUNDS MOVING WITHIN BANKS BOTH ON THE LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL LEVELS IN LINE TO FOREIGN CONTRACT SETTLEMENT.

I HAVE BEFORE ME LISTS OF FUND, WHICH COULD NOT BE TRANSFERRED TO SOME NOMINATED ACCOUNTS AS THESE ACCOUNTS HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED EITHER AS GHOST ACCOUNTS, UNCLAIMED DEPOSITS AND OVER-INVOICED SUM ETC.

I WRITE TO PRESENT YOU TO THE COMMITTEE AS ONE AMONG THE SIGNED/APPROVED CONTRACTORS, AND DUE FOR THIS FUNDS TO BE TRANSFERRED INTO THEIR ACCOUNT AS A FOREIGN CONTRACTORS, ON THIS NOTE, I WISH TO HAVE A DEAL WITH YOU AS REGARDS TO THE UNPAID CERTIFIED CONTRACT FUNDS.

I HAVE EVERY FILES BEFORE ME AND THE DATA'S WILL BE CHANGED TO YOUR NAME TO ENABLE YOU RECEIVE THE FUND INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT AS THE BENEFICIARY OF THE FUND'S AMOUNT $32,000,000.00 (THIRTY TWO MILLION USD).

AS IT IS MY DUTY TO RECOMMEND THE TRANSFER OF THESE SURPLUS FUNDS TO THE GOVERNMENT TREASURY AND RESERVE ACCOUNTS AS UNCLAIMED DEPOSITS, I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO WRITE YOU BASED ON THE INSTRUCTIONS I RECEIVED RECENTLY FROM THE FINANCIAL COMMITTEE ON CONTRACT PAYMENTS /FOREIGN DEBTS TO SUBMIT THE LIST OF PAYMENT REPORTS / EXPENDITURES AND AUDITED REPORTS OF REVENUES.

AMONG SEVERAL OTHERS, I HAVE DECIDED TO REMIT THIS SUM FOLLOWING MY IDEA THAT WE HAVE A DEAL/AGREEMENT AND I AM GOING TO DO THIS LEGALLY. MY CONDITIONS ARE AS FOLLOWS.

1. YOU WILL TAKE 35% OF YOUR CONTRACT FUNDS AS SOON AS YOU CONFIRM IT IN YOUR DESIGNATED BANK ACCOUNT.

2. THIS DEAL MUST BE KEPT SECRET FOREVER, AND ALL CORRESPONDENCE WILL BE STRICTLY BY EMAIL / TELEPHONE THAT I WILL PROVIDE FOR YOU, AND THEY ARE PRIVATE FOR SECURITY PURPOSES AS TO FORESTALL INFORMATION LEAKAGE.

I WILL ADVISE YOU ON WHAT TO DO IMMEDIATELY I HEAR FROM YOU AND THE TRANSFER WILL COMMENCE WITHOUT DELAY, AS I WILL PROCEED TO FIX YOUR NAME ON THE PAYMENT SCHEDULES INSTANTLY TO MEET THE SEVEN DAYS MANDATE.

WAITING FOR YOUR REPLY SOON.


YOURS SINCERELY,
DR. RENOSI MOKATE.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR,
RESERVE BANK OF SOUTH AFRICA.

Spamlation : Give me your personal information you stupid American so I can rob you blind.

The Dialectizer

Ever wonder what your website would look like translated into a Jive dialect?

Well, wonder no more!

Now you, can translate your page into Redneck, Jive, Cockney, Elmer Fudd, Swedish Chef, and Pig Latin dialects at the click of a button!

My good friend Tom over at Tom's Hideaway pointed me in the direction of the Dialectizer, by Rinkworks.Com.

Wanna hear that in Jive?

Mah' baaaad homey Tom upside at Tom's Hideaway pointed me in de direcshun uh de Dialectizer, by Rinkwo'ks.Com. WORD!

How about Swedish Chef?

My guud freeend Tum oofer et Tum's Heedeevey pueented me-a in zee durecshun ooff zee Deeelectizer, by Reenkvurks. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

You see! No more awkward silence when trying to communicate with cockney bartenders or redneck convenience store clerks.

And if you want to incorporate the Dialectizer into your own website, check out the widget I've created in my sidebar to the right.

Want one?

Feel free to grab the code, but please include the Rosetta Rants banner at the bottom so people will know the location of me, your loyal and hardworking Translator.

How to do it:

In your browser, view this page's page source.

Use the Find function in your browser to locate the line of code that contains:

"Dialectize this page" (It will be the second occurrence)

Select that line of code all the way through the line of code that contains:

"Dialects by Rinkworks.Com"

Copy all that code and paste it into an editor.

Replace each "rosettarants.blogspot.com" with your own URL (without http://).

Paste the final version into your own webpage! You may have to play with the borders and such to get it to look right. If that doesn't work, email me and I'll send you a text version of the code. Don't worry - I don't mind. A Translator's work is never done!


Enjoy!
Blimey!
Enjoyyay!
Fry mah hide!
Right on!
Waskowy wabbit!

Duck and Cover!

We will now spend some time trying to figure out the language of safety signs. While some are very easy to understand, like stop signs - some are not very easy to translate. Our friends down at Safenow.Org have compiled a wonderful list of translations for a variety of safety signs.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!


If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand,
remember to close the window. No one wants to see that.


If you are sprayed with an unknown substance,
stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.


After exposure to radiation it is important to consider
that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

I understand those. They make perfect sense. But what about these?

#1


#2


#3

Can you help me translate?

WierdConverter

As a translator of sorts, I am quite interested in conversions. Now, I’m not talking about religious conversions, although those are quite interesting, too. I mean things like converting one language to another, conversion of cultural norms, and – metric conversions.

Haven’t you always wondered how many newborn babies it would take to weigh as much as an African elephant?

1616.723253333

How about how many T-Rex’s would you need to stand on top of each other to reach the top of the Empire State building?

36.933336847

These and many other amazing-yet-weird conversions are available at the WeirdConverter site.

Interested in how many average bowel movements it would take to make up a Tom Cruise? One, you say? Wrong.

Check out the converter for the answer. First person with the correct answer wins a prize equaling 0.004761904761905 of a gas tanker semi truck. Figure that one out.

I totally get this site. No further translation necessary. Except for the conversion-type translations that will take place on the site. That’s the whole point.

Lost in Translation

Pieter Bruegel, The Tower of Babel, 1563.

Let us now investigate the language of …well, language. Why are there so many languages? Why are cultures largely defined by the language spoken within specific boundaries? Why can’t we all just get along – linguistically?

I’m not sure that I have answers for these questions. I’m not sure that anyone does. But the fact that there are so many languages and cultures on this beautiful planet is one of the driving forces behind this blog.

The book of Genesis describes the destruction of the Tower of Babel and the confusion of a unified human language. Man wanted to reach for the heavens, and God said something like: “Now, wait a minute. I don’t think so.” And he split us up into various cultures with different languages.

Now, what I think was so nifty about the Rosetta Stone, is that allowed us to undo some of that destruction. The combined Demotic, Hieroglyphics, and ancient Greek inscriptions allowed us to decipher one of the world’s lost civilizations – ancient Egypt. A piece of the Tower had been rebuilt.

And now, Carl Tashian is again piecing together the scattered fragments of Babel with his website Lost in Translation – and then pulling them right back down, burning them, scattering the ashes, and whizzing overzealously on the remains - all for the sake of a good time.

And a good time it is.

Tashian’s site allows you to enter any phrase or sentence – and translate that entry back and forth between five different languages, using a dynamic interface with Babelfish.

Here’s an example. I entered this sentence:

Rosetta Rants is the coolest and most interesting website that I have ever come across during my travels in cyberspace.

And I got this “babelized” translation:

Rants I gave to Rosetta the site of the Web of frischste is one and more interesting, of which everything agrees I found during my courses in Cyberspace.

This came from an English to French to English to German to English to Italian to English to Portuguese to English to Spanish to English translation. And if we tell the program to include Chinese, Japanese, and Korean, we get this:

The calmed site of the Web must, the one that interests the praise of the declared rosette of the certain material of that inside inside,the course for the low point, period of the station of the work more when cyber, is most interesting.

Notice how the length increased quite a bit? This is a perfect example of Chinglish, which will be explained at a further time. For now, all you need to know is that Lost in Translation provides hours of unstoppable Rosetta Fun!

Check it out for yourself!

I definitely get this website. No further translation necessary.

(Except for the translation done on that website, because that’s the point).

Update: Greg Laden's blog has some great examples of Babelized sentences.