Balut

We now travel to Southeast Asia, where we will again translate the language of food delicacies. This time, we will investigate Balut, or fertilized duck eggs that are boiled and eaten with a pinch of salt.

Largely considered delicacies in the Philippines, Cambodia, and Vietnam, balut (Trứng vịt lộn or Hột vịt lộn in Vietnamese, Pong tea khon in Cambodian) contain 15-day-old crunchy duck embryos that are seen as a high-protein aphrodisiac. Produced in mass quantities, ferilized duck eggs are incubated in warm baskets until they are ready to be boiled and served.

What I want to know is, where do you find a baby duck to keep the balut farm running? It's like, "Oops. We ate the last ferilized duck egg. Oh well, let's try chickens."

I can see the importance of balut as a high-protein food source, but I must say that the textural elements of crunchy duck embryos and squishy yolk scare me a little. I'm not sure if I understand the language of balut. Can you help me translate?

The Duct Tape Bandit

The Duct Tape Bandit, AP Photo.

You have to speak the Language of Stupid to understand the actions of Kasey G. Kazee of Ashland, Kentucky.

After wrapping his head in duct tape, botching a liquor store robbery, and getting caught in a feeble attempt to flee, Kazee had the audacity to say "Hey, you got the wrong guy. I'm not the duct tape bandit!"

Yep. And I'm not the Translator. Guess I don't speak STUPID very well.

By the way, good luck getting that tape off. It might sting a little.

Absolutely True has a great roundup of the story, too.

Jammin Johns

We now return to our discussion about the language of toilets. In this episode, we'll travel to Evansville, Indiana where Jammin Johns is producing toilet seats of a musical nature.

Their motto:

Combining the comfort of a finely crafted bathroom accoutrement with the legendary looks of your favorite guitars.

Sounds lovely. And it seems they have two other styles available:

With a clientele list that includes Roy Rogers, Steven Spielberg, The Bob and Tom Show, Travis Meeks, and Willie Nelson, it seems that at least five people get the concept of Jammin Johns.

I, however, am having a difficult time translating the idea of musical toilet seats into something that makes sense. Musical toilet seats sounds kinda like a sick game, though. Doesn't it?

Ok, let's try to understand this. So you really love music. Let's say you're in a band, and you have a nice guitar. Is the first thing that comes to mind : "Hey, I really want to sit on something like this when I relieve myself"? Or: "This guitar is awesome. I wish I could crap on something like this."

I'm guessing nope.

If I followed that logic, I should have the following toilet seats in MY house based on MY hobbies:

1)A toilet seat fashioned from a racquetball racquet. You'd have some pretty weird marks on your behind after sitting on it.

2)A toilet seat fashioned from a comfortable office chair. I wouldn't even need to leave the restroom to do my blogging!

3)A toilet seat fashioned from my Weber grill. Ah, the joys of Summer!

Do you have any other ideas for toilet seats in YOUR house, based on YOUR hobbies? Can you help me translate?

Hello Kitty Hell

We now travel to Bangkok, Thailand where we will translate the language of embarrassment.

Yahoo news reports that Thai police committing minor offenses, such as littering and arriving late, will now be punished by being forced to wear Hello Kitty armbands for several days.

Talk about an effective punishment.

And although the language of embarrassment is perhaps the most poignant and universal vernacular, further punishment is necessary for policemen who commit more serious crimes. For example:

Cops found turning to the Dark Side will be forced to wear the Hello Kitty Darth Vader suit.

And cops caught exceeding the speed limit within city limits will be forced to cruise the streets of Bangkok in the Hello Kitty Ferrari.

I totally understand the language of embarrassment. You can bet that Bangkok's police force will soon be one of the world's most disciplined and well-behaved, because that Hello Kitty is one frightening little feline.

I know that I would be terrified to be seen with her on my arm in public. That would be Hello Kitty hell.

How about you?

Hats of Meat

We will now investigate the language of haberdashery - specifically, we will discuss the phenomenon of meat hats.

Possibly dating back to the 16th Century, meat hats have continued to please crowds in even the highest circles of society. According to the Hats of Meat Website:

"The expression 'I’ll eat my hat' traces back as far as the 19th century, usually credited to Abraham Lincoln in reference to one of his trademark stovepipe hats, which were often made of tenderloin".

Meat hats may be composed of any sort of bodily material, while the fashion trend remains the bane of PETA members worldwide. Here are a few examples:

The Pork Pie

The Base-Bull Cap

The Brisket Yarmulke (Made from 100% Kosher beef)

Now, I'm not saying that it's not creative, but I just don't think that meat translates well into clothing.

Perhaps it's because I think the appeal of having emergency food rations on your head is outweighed by the hats' propensity to attract bears.

I just can't put my finger on it. Is it the sight, the feel, the smell of meat on your head? I just don't understand the appeal of meat hats. Can you help me translate?

Surströmming

We now travel to Sweden, where we will investigate the language of food delicacies. Today, I am referring to Surströmming, or canned fermented baltic herring.

Surströmming is produced by soaking herring fish in brine and fermenting them for one to two months in barrels. Next, the ripe morsels of joy are canned and allowed to ferment for up to six additional months, causing the cans to bulge from a build up of carbon dioxide.

Haloanaerobium bacteria are responsible for imparting surströmming's unique flavor, through their production of propionic acid, acetic acid, and hydrogen sulfide.

It sounds something like rotten eggs with vinegar.

Opening cans of the pungent fish may be dangerously explosive, a practice which has been banned from several airlines. Besides the safety issues, how would you like to sprayed in the face with the stuff?

It sounds very interesting, but I'm not sure I understand the appeal of surströmming.

Have any of you tried it? Can you help me translate?

The Horse Diaper

U.S. Patent, 1998.

Returning to the language of toilets, this time we investigate horse diapers.

Tired of spending countless hours cleaning those pesky stalls? Sick of bending over to grab handfull after handfull of equine excrement? Well, fret no more!

Now you can live the lazy cowboy's dream - with the newly patented Horse Diaper (some assembly required).

Now, what do you think is more work: cleaning the floor of a stall or changing a gigantic diaper on an extremely irritated horse?

I'll stick to cleaning the floor. Heck, I'd gladly save hundreds of dollars per month on the cost of diapers if it was socially acceptable for my daughter to run free and do her business in the yard. Except that's not gonna happen. And I can't keep her in a barn.

Until she's four.

I just don't get horse diapers. Can you help me translate?

From Patently Absurd.

Oscar the Death Cat

Our journey now takes us to Providence, Rhode Island, where we will investigate the language of death. I'm sure many of you are familiar with the story of Oscar the Death Cat.

Oscar, a pet at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center, seems to have a knack for predicting when patients are going to die, by curling up next to them in their final hours.

Psychic pets have been documented well back into the seventeenth century, when a "Learned Pig", a "Wonderful Intelligent Goose", Toby the "Sapient Pig", and many others mystified onlookers with counting games and other parlor tricks.

Of course, the most famous thinking pet must be Clever Hans, a German horse, to whom the ability of arithmetic was attributed. However, an investigation in 1907 determined that Hans merely watched the reactions of his human observers to learn the answers.

Am I discounting Oscar's ability to sense the inevitability of death? Certainly not. There are many things in this world that I don't understand - things that don't seem to have "natural" explanations. Some have suggested that Oscar can smell physiological changes in patients that are about to expire - but this is no less amazing.

No, it's not that I think Oscar is a fake. I just think his services would be better put to use in other settings. It's not surprising that patients in nursing homes are close to death. But what if Oscar was employed:

1)At McDonalds - He could curl up under the feet of customers who are about to partake in their final super-sized Big Mac meal before departing for the Golden Arches in the Sky. For those people, it's time for a salad.

2)On Sky Diving Trips - He could snuggle with jumpers that are about to go "splat". For those people, it's time to find a new hobby.

3)On the Docks for Crab Fishing Boats - I'm a big fan of Deadliest Catch, on the Discovery Channel. Oscar could be used to pick the boats that have bad omens over them. For those people, it's time for a change of profession.

4)Any other ideas?

Where else would Oscar come in handy? Can you help me translate?

Ramen Bath

Our travels now take us to Hakone, Japan where we will investigate the language of Theme Baths. Hakone Kowakie Yunessun Hot Springs Amusement Park and Spa Resort has just opened its latest Theme Bath : The Ramen Soup Bath.

From Japan Probe:

The bath, shaped like a ramen bowl, contains pepper-flavored water colored a light, milky brown, to like tonkotsu (pork bone) ramen soup. The special bath was created jointly by the theme park and a famous ramen shop, Nantsuttei in Hadano, Kanagawa Prefecture.

The bath was completed at the unveiling event, with the owner of Nantsuttei adding “noodles” made of bathwater additives into the tub.

The water contains collagen and garlic extracts, and theme park officials claim it can help produce beautiful skin and aid moisture retention.

Sound good? Nothing like collagen and garlic extract to attract the opposite sex. Your skin may be soft, but you smell like an eggroll.

If that doesn't wet your "appetite", then perhaps you'd like to try another Theme Bath:

Red wine, anyone?

Or, perhaps some coffee?

No? Let's just stick to the traditional green tea bath.

Here are my ideas for Theme Baths:

1)Boiling Acid Pit Bath - Complete with floating skeletons.

2)Matzoh Ball Soup Bath - An old lady keeps telling you to stay in a bit longer because you look famished and you could stand to put on some weight.

3)Tar Pit Bath - You may never leave.

4)Gas Station Toilet Bath - You can visualize this one for yourself.

Any other ideas? I just don't get Theme Baths. Can you help me translate?

The Toilet Timer

U.S. Patent, 1993.

We now continue in our investigation of the language of Toilets.

Are you tired of waiting in line for that pesky porcelain pot? Too many users in your house? Well, you don't have to wait any longer. Not with the patented technology of the Toilet Timer.

Got a kid who sits for hours? Dad wasting away on the latrine? Set the timer for 5 minutes, and all your problems will be solved.

Actually, I'm not sure what happens when the timer goes off. What do you think happens?

Can you help me translate?

From Patently Absurd.

The Superb Lyrebird

Superb Lyrebird (Menura novaehollandiae), Australia.

We will now trek into the deepest forests of Australia, where we will attempt to translate the language of birds. Specifically, we will investigate the incredibly complex vocalizations of the Superb Lyrebird. You won't believe the sounds that this amazing creature can imitate. Watch all the way through for the most bizarre calls:

What a fascinating language. It's just unfortunate that it now includes elements of our destructive "vernacular", too.

What do you think will be the next addition to the Lyrebird's dialect?

Can you help me translate?

Toilet Landing Lights

U.S. Patent, 1993.

One of the most popular subjects on this blog has to be the language of toilets. I've posted many times on "potty humor", and those posts have always been my most popular. I can't explain it. It must have something to do with my readership. Well, here's another:

Have you ever had to use the restroom in the middle of the night? Sure, you have.

But have you ever tried to use the restroom without those pesky lights that make you squint? Sure, you have. And you probably fell in, right?

Well, no more! Thanks to the amazing and futuristic Toilet Landing Lights! Flip the lid, and you'll feel as though you've been teleported to the Death Star, ready to evacuate your waste into the furthest reaches of space.

But seriously, "landing lights" sounds like you're parking something really big in a hangar, or something.

That's right, buy your own set of Johnny Lights, today! (Batteries not included).

I just don't get the language of Toilet Lights. Maybe they just need a better name.

Can you help me translate?


From Patently Absurd.

China Debuts World's Largest Public Toilet

While we're on a roll, let's stay in China, where the city of Chongqing has opened a 30,000-square-foot public restroom, featuring more than 1,000 theme toilets. Doesn't the little girl in the photo look scared? I would be, too.

From Yahoo News:

"We are spreading toilet culture. People can listen to gentle music and watch TV," said Lu Xiaoqing, an official with the Yangrenjie, or "Foreigners Street," tourist area where the bathroom is located. "After they use the bathroom they will be very, very happy."

Toilet culture? What about spreading disease?

Sanitation should really come first, when it comes to public toilets. Peeing into a urinal shaped like the Virgin Mary is less important to me:



And what's with those drinking fountains? I just don't get theme restrooms.

Can you help me translate?

World's Tallest Man Weds

REUTERS/Jason Lee (CHINA)

We now travel to the Inner Mongolia region of China, where we will investigate the language of - well, tallness. From Yahoo News:

Bao Xishun, 56, a 2.36-metre (7-ft, 9-inch) herdsman from China's vast Inner Mongolia region, was carried to his wedding on the back of a mobile yurt pulled by camels at the Genghis Khan holiday resort on the grasslands near Erdos city.

Hundreds of people, some travelling for hours, turned up to see Bao wed saleswoman Xia Shujuan, a mere 1.68 metres (5 ft 6 inches) tall and just 29 years old.

Now, he does realize that he's doomed to a life of freakish Honey-Do Lists, right?

"Honey, that ceiling fan needs to be replaced. Can you reach up there and do it without getting up from your chair?"

"Honey, that cat is stuck on the roof again. Can you reach up there and grab him without fully extending your arms?"

"Honey, while you're up there, can you bend down and clean out the gutters?"

"Honey, can you change that lightbulb in the hall? With your teeth?"


Besides basketball and changing lightbulbs, at what can a man of his stature succeed? Can you help me translate?