The Translator's Incredible Journey

Well, I'm back.

But where, you may ask, has your trusty Translator been? On an exotic and dangerous quest within the farthest reaches of Asia Minor? A journey within the blistering sand dunes of the Arabian Desert? A voyage down the vine-strangled mighty Amazon river?

Nope.

I've been right here at home. And work. And stuff.

The truth is, on September 3rd, Labor Day, my basement flooded. My computer was in my basement. So, needless to say, Rosetta Rants landed on the back burner for a while. Have I told you guys that dealing with insurance guys really sucks?

Anyway, during my hiatus, I came to realize that I felt unusually liberated. Liberated in the sense that I wasn't expected to post a weird or wacky article about some sort of nasty food or gadget.

That's right. Posting had become a chore.

And we all know that if your hobby becomes a chore, it ceases to be a useful hobby. The hard work might be worth it if I could make some cash. But I know that there is no chance of turning Rosetta Rants into a lucrative money-maker. Everyone and their uncle has a blog, and the work/earnings ratio for blogging is just not what it's cracked up to be.

I truly thank all of you who have become excellent blogging buddies. Jaya, Gerri, Lord Likely, Splantrik, Tom, and everyone else - thank you for your concern and well-wishes. I'll continue to visit your fine blogs when I get a chance. Only I'll drop by as a loyal reader instead of a fellow blogger.

Keep up the great work!

I'm going to spend a nice quiet evening with Mrs. Translator, Girl Translator, and Baby Girl Translator.

Quick Translation : Huge Hole in the Universe Found

From Yahoo News:

The team at the University of Minnesota said the void is nearly a billion light-years across and they have no idea why it is there.

"Not only has no one ever found a void this big, but we never even expected to find one this size," said astronomy professor Lawrence Rudnick.

Writing in the Astrophysical Journal, Rudnick and colleagues Shea Brown and Liliya Williams said they were examining a cold spot using the Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probe satellite, and found the giant hole.

Translation : Scientists study Lindsay Lohan's head.

Balut

We now travel to Southeast Asia, where we will again translate the language of food delicacies. This time, we will investigate Balut, or fertilized duck eggs that are boiled and eaten with a pinch of salt.

Largely considered delicacies in the Philippines, Cambodia, and Vietnam, balut (Trứng vịt lộn or Hột vịt lộn in Vietnamese, Pong tea khon in Cambodian) contain 15-day-old crunchy duck embryos that are seen as a high-protein aphrodisiac. Produced in mass quantities, ferilized duck eggs are incubated in warm baskets until they are ready to be boiled and served.

What I want to know is, where do you find a baby duck to keep the balut farm running? It's like, "Oops. We ate the last ferilized duck egg. Oh well, let's try chickens."

I can see the importance of balut as a high-protein food source, but I must say that the textural elements of crunchy duck embryos and squishy yolk scare me a little. I'm not sure if I understand the language of balut. Can you help me translate?

Translating Kidspeak : One

Having spent the last four years with Girl Translator and Baby Girl Translator running around the Translator Estate, I’ve slowly gathered the knowledge necessary to accurately translate the Language of Kidspeak. Not since the Rosetta Stone helped us to decipher the lost mysteries of ancient Egypt, has modern man attempted a translation project of this magnitude.

Here’s the first installment of my monumental translation endeavor:

“Yes, I cleaned my room.”

Translation: I shoved my dirty clothes into the corner and put stuff in piles around the room.

“My legs don’t work!”

Translation: I don’t want to go to school, even though there is nothing physiologically wrong with my limbs.

“I don’t have to go potty.”

Translation: I will have to go potty in three or four minutes, which may coincide with the start of our car trip.

“That’s mine!”

Translation: Anything my little sister touches is desirable since she has shown interest in it.

Stay tuned for more. I'm working on it.

Spamlation Translation : One

Does anyone take the time to appreciate Spam, these days? It can be quite entertaining. The following is an actual email that I received today:


FROM THE DESK OF
THE DEPUTY GOVERNOR
RESERVE BANK OF SOUTH AFRICA.
370 CHURCH STREET PRETORIA 0002,
P.O.BOX 3925 PRETORIA 0001,
SOUTH AFRICA.


PAYMENT AUTHENTICATION.

I AM DR. RENOSI MOKATE DEPUTY GOVERNOR OF RESERVE BANK OF SOUTH AFRICA, MY OFFICE MONITORS AND CONTROLS THE AFFAIRS OF ALL BANKS AND FINANCIAL INSTITUTION IN SOUTH AFRICA CONCERNED WITH FOREIGN CONTRACT PAYMENTS.

I AM THE FINAL SIGNATORY TO ANY TRANSFER OR REMITTANCE OF HUGE FUNDS MOVING WITHIN BANKS BOTH ON THE LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL LEVELS IN LINE TO FOREIGN CONTRACT SETTLEMENT.

I HAVE BEFORE ME LISTS OF FUND, WHICH COULD NOT BE TRANSFERRED TO SOME NOMINATED ACCOUNTS AS THESE ACCOUNTS HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED EITHER AS GHOST ACCOUNTS, UNCLAIMED DEPOSITS AND OVER-INVOICED SUM ETC.

I WRITE TO PRESENT YOU TO THE COMMITTEE AS ONE AMONG THE SIGNED/APPROVED CONTRACTORS, AND DUE FOR THIS FUNDS TO BE TRANSFERRED INTO THEIR ACCOUNT AS A FOREIGN CONTRACTORS, ON THIS NOTE, I WISH TO HAVE A DEAL WITH YOU AS REGARDS TO THE UNPAID CERTIFIED CONTRACT FUNDS.

I HAVE EVERY FILES BEFORE ME AND THE DATA'S WILL BE CHANGED TO YOUR NAME TO ENABLE YOU RECEIVE THE FUND INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT AS THE BENEFICIARY OF THE FUND'S AMOUNT $32,000,000.00 (THIRTY TWO MILLION USD).

AS IT IS MY DUTY TO RECOMMEND THE TRANSFER OF THESE SURPLUS FUNDS TO THE GOVERNMENT TREASURY AND RESERVE ACCOUNTS AS UNCLAIMED DEPOSITS, I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO WRITE YOU BASED ON THE INSTRUCTIONS I RECEIVED RECENTLY FROM THE FINANCIAL COMMITTEE ON CONTRACT PAYMENTS /FOREIGN DEBTS TO SUBMIT THE LIST OF PAYMENT REPORTS / EXPENDITURES AND AUDITED REPORTS OF REVENUES.

AMONG SEVERAL OTHERS, I HAVE DECIDED TO REMIT THIS SUM FOLLOWING MY IDEA THAT WE HAVE A DEAL/AGREEMENT AND I AM GOING TO DO THIS LEGALLY. MY CONDITIONS ARE AS FOLLOWS.

1. YOU WILL TAKE 35% OF YOUR CONTRACT FUNDS AS SOON AS YOU CONFIRM IT IN YOUR DESIGNATED BANK ACCOUNT.

2. THIS DEAL MUST BE KEPT SECRET FOREVER, AND ALL CORRESPONDENCE WILL BE STRICTLY BY EMAIL / TELEPHONE THAT I WILL PROVIDE FOR YOU, AND THEY ARE PRIVATE FOR SECURITY PURPOSES AS TO FORESTALL INFORMATION LEAKAGE.

I WILL ADVISE YOU ON WHAT TO DO IMMEDIATELY I HEAR FROM YOU AND THE TRANSFER WILL COMMENCE WITHOUT DELAY, AS I WILL PROCEED TO FIX YOUR NAME ON THE PAYMENT SCHEDULES INSTANTLY TO MEET THE SEVEN DAYS MANDATE.

WAITING FOR YOUR REPLY SOON.


YOURS SINCERELY,
DR. RENOSI MOKATE.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR,
RESERVE BANK OF SOUTH AFRICA.

Spamlation : Give me your personal information you stupid American so I can rob you blind.

The Duct Tape Bandit

The Duct Tape Bandit, AP Photo.

You have to speak the Language of Stupid to understand the actions of Kasey G. Kazee of Ashland, Kentucky.

After wrapping his head in duct tape, botching a liquor store robbery, and getting caught in a feeble attempt to flee, Kazee had the audacity to say "Hey, you got the wrong guy. I'm not the duct tape bandit!"

Yep. And I'm not the Translator. Guess I don't speak STUPID very well.

By the way, good luck getting that tape off. It might sting a little.

Absolutely True has a great roundup of the story, too.

Jammin Johns

We now return to our discussion about the language of toilets. In this episode, we'll travel to Evansville, Indiana where Jammin Johns is producing toilet seats of a musical nature.

Their motto:

Combining the comfort of a finely crafted bathroom accoutrement with the legendary looks of your favorite guitars.

Sounds lovely. And it seems they have two other styles available:

With a clientele list that includes Roy Rogers, Steven Spielberg, The Bob and Tom Show, Travis Meeks, and Willie Nelson, it seems that at least five people get the concept of Jammin Johns.

I, however, am having a difficult time translating the idea of musical toilet seats into something that makes sense. Musical toilet seats sounds kinda like a sick game, though. Doesn't it?

Ok, let's try to understand this. So you really love music. Let's say you're in a band, and you have a nice guitar. Is the first thing that comes to mind : "Hey, I really want to sit on something like this when I relieve myself"? Or: "This guitar is awesome. I wish I could crap on something like this."

I'm guessing nope.

If I followed that logic, I should have the following toilet seats in MY house based on MY hobbies:

1)A toilet seat fashioned from a racquetball racquet. You'd have some pretty weird marks on your behind after sitting on it.

2)A toilet seat fashioned from a comfortable office chair. I wouldn't even need to leave the restroom to do my blogging!

3)A toilet seat fashioned from my Weber grill. Ah, the joys of Summer!

Do you have any other ideas for toilet seats in YOUR house, based on YOUR hobbies? Can you help me translate?

Lifegems

LifeGem...

Love. Life's single greatest risk. Life's single greatest reward. Love captures your heart in a second and holds it for eternity.

You have known the feeling of pure joy and elation, and it will be forever cherished. Love is more than a memory.

You have experienced a love without equal. You have had someone truly special in your life and mere words simply will not do.

Love knows no boundaries. Love knows no end.

So, let's make a gemstone out of the carbon from your dead loved one's body.

That's right. We now travel to Elk Grove Village, Illinois where LifeGem® is creating certified high-quality diamonds from the carbon of your loved ones as a memorial to their unique life.

What's more, it is no longer necessary to use the cremated remains of an entire body. LifeGem's patented technology now requires only a lock of hair to harvest all the required carbon.

What does this mean?

It is now possible to create LifeGems from locks of hair around the world, including famous locks of hair.

If you're interested, check out Project Beethoven Lifegem, where three LifeGems, fashioned from the carbon of Beethoven's hair, will be auctioned off to buy LifeGems for the less fortunate.

How they got Beethoven's hair I don't want to know.

But I think it's kinda cool. I think.


But don't take my word for it:

All I can say is putting my husband’s death into something with so much LIFE was the best move I cold have ever made. All my love to you and anyone who had a hand in my husbands Death and rebirth......Elizabeth Hile Needham, Wife.

Gray had a great sense of humour and joked that not only would I be able to take him with me wherever I went – I would also be able to nag him- I do too! Initially I had reservations but knew how much it meant to Gray so I went ahead with his wishes. I’m so glad I did. I had the stone set in a ring and I never take it off. It’s the most beautiful thing I own and I joke that he hasn’t lost his sparkle......Mary Sikes, Wife.

Thank you so very much...it is absolutely stunning. I opened the box, and there it was..the exact color of my mother's eyes!.......Meredith Deming, Daughter.

We want to thank you for giving us this gift just before the one year anniversary of Hannah's birthday into Heaven.......Susi Rowley, Mother.


And if you're worried that you can't afford a LifeGem for every member of your family, don't fret. There is now a LifeGem Family Plan available.

I just don't get the concept of LifeGems. Perhaps I'm just a little too narrow-minded, but it seems a bit obsessive. I mean, I understand the idea of immortality through preserving physical remains, a concept perfected by the Egyptians.

But when I kick the bucket, I just hope they can find a big dirt hole, in which my Earthly remains can take a nice, long nap. And if I turn into a deposit of diamonds after 10,000 years through natural means, so be it. That's the only way you're gonna get a gemstone out of me.

What do you think? Can you help me translate?

The Dialectizer

Ever wonder what your website would look like translated into a Jive dialect?

Well, wonder no more!

Now you, can translate your page into Redneck, Jive, Cockney, Elmer Fudd, Swedish Chef, and Pig Latin dialects at the click of a button!

My good friend Tom over at Tom's Hideaway pointed me in the direction of the Dialectizer, by Rinkworks.Com.

Wanna hear that in Jive?

Mah' baaaad homey Tom upside at Tom's Hideaway pointed me in de direcshun uh de Dialectizer, by Rinkwo'ks.Com. WORD!

How about Swedish Chef?

My guud freeend Tum oofer et Tum's Heedeevey pueented me-a in zee durecshun ooff zee Deeelectizer, by Reenkvurks. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

You see! No more awkward silence when trying to communicate with cockney bartenders or redneck convenience store clerks.

And if you want to incorporate the Dialectizer into your own website, check out the widget I've created in my sidebar to the right.

Want one?

Feel free to grab the code, but please include the Rosetta Rants banner at the bottom so people will know the location of me, your loyal and hardworking Translator.

How to do it:

In your browser, view this page's page source.

Use the Find function in your browser to locate the line of code that contains:

"Dialectize this page" (It will be the second occurrence)

Select that line of code all the way through the line of code that contains:

"Dialects by Rinkworks.Com"

Copy all that code and paste it into an editor.

Replace each "rosettarants.blogspot.com" with your own URL (without http://).

Paste the final version into your own webpage! You may have to play with the borders and such to get it to look right. If that doesn't work, email me and I'll send you a text version of the code. Don't worry - I don't mind. A Translator's work is never done!


Enjoy!
Blimey!
Enjoyyay!
Fry mah hide!
Right on!
Waskowy wabbit!

Postcards from the Edge : Happy Birthday, Walter!

I just received this postcard from my friend Gerri at Absolutely True:

(Click for larger view)

Happy 3rd Birthday, Walter Isaac!

Thanks for sending me this W.W.E. edition of Postcards from the Edge...of the World! I guess I can't decide if I think it's real. They definitely choreograph their battles, but it's REAL in the fact that they are skilled performers risking serious injury. I guess you can consider me part-wacky! What do you think about W.W.E.?

That pizza sounds good, too! I'll have to check out Jerry's Pizza if I'm ever in Central, South Carolina.

And don't forget, you can send me postcards from around the world for ANY reason - vacations, birthdays, anniversaries, marriage proposals...whoa! A marriage proposal would be pretty cool.

Gerri's previous postcard from South Carolina can be seen HERE.

And if you're interested in sending me a postcard, please CLICK HERE for more info!