Book Review: Migration of the Kamishi

It’s time for my first book review on Rosetta Rants. And no, this is not a paid review. I don't think I'm quite to that level yet of readership yet (perhaps, soon?). Anyway, I’m always excited to read an author’s inaugural masterpiece, and boy, have I found a winner this time.

Gaddy Bergmann hits the scene with Migration of the Kamishi, the first novel in the Feral World trilogy. Imagine this: in twenty-two years, the asteroid Apophis strikes the Earth destroying Civilization as we know it. Against all odds, mankind survives and millennia later, in the Fifty-first century, our descendents live in a post-apocalyptic stone age. Bergmann paints us an intimate portrait of post-apocalyptic life, as we follow Blake and Manosh, two Kamishi men on their quest to find the Warmland. And with the earth unencumbered by civilization for thousands of years, you can imagine the feral beasts and trials of nature the men must face on their journey.

Bergmann’s writing is beautifully descriptive – Jean M. Auel meets J.R.R. Tolkien – while never shying away from free-flowing action. I describe this book as a post-apocalyptic Clan of the Cave Bear. With a master’s degree in zoology from the University of South Florida, Bergmann’s science is spot-on. Beasts leap from the page with stunning realism as landscapes engulf all of your senses. Migration of the Kamishi is as much an inner journey as it is a voyage through breathtaking savannahs. Bergmann guides us straight into the heart of a man, revealing the hope and perseverance that truly make us human.

I give Migration of the Kamishi 5 out of 5 passports.

It’s totally worth the journey.

Now THIS I get. No further translation necessary.

Buy it today at Amazon.Com!

A Bitey Evening

Mrs. Translator, Babygirl Translator, Girl Translator, and I went for a nice walk this evening. In this case, our travels took us to suburban Colorado, right outside our house. But the subject of this post concerns travelers worldwide: the language of nature.

We often take walks so that I can get my fill of the outdoors – being a biologist, I am always interested in sharing the language of nature with my family. This particular evening, however, one rather nasty bit of nature reared its ugly head and…bit Mrs. Translator. Many times....

Mrs. Translator's Bitey Back.

Who the hell invented mosquitoes? Because that person should be shot. Then hung. Then shot again. Then drawn and quartered. Then thrown in the river. Not just a creek – a raging torrential thing. Then kicked in the nubblies.

A bitey bugger.

Ok, silly question. Again, as a biologist, I know the language of nature is often complex and full of crisscrossing logic and syntax. I know that mosquitoes play their part in the great circle of life, but do they have to be so dang – mosquitoish?

And what’s with certain people being lunch while others (like myself) are lucky enough to remain uneaten? Bite count: Mrs. Translator = 10, Translator = 0. I’m sure there’s a biological explanation, but I’m not inspired enough to look it up. I guess if I was an eatee instead of a non-eatee, I might be more inclined to do so. Any input on this one?

Here are a few facts about our little bitey friends from Wikipedia:

The mosquito genus Anopheles carries the malaria parasite (see Plasmodium). Worldwide, malaria is a leading cause of premature mortality, particularly in children under the age of five, with around 5.3 million deaths annually, according to Center for Disease Control.

Greatest cause of death under the age of five, eh? Tiny little buggers, and yet so deadly. I say we wipe the buggers out. Bring on the deet. Bring on the Chloroquine, the permethrin and citronella in truckloads. Because calomine doesn’t smell very nice and I'm sick of scratching.

Mosquitoes: deadly, bitey, plague-bringers...itty, bitty package. An inscrutable word in the language of nature.

I just don't get it. Can you help me translate?

The Toilet Bowl

Let us now head to Taipei, Taiwan, where we can grab a meal at a local favorite: The Toilet Bowl. That's right, a potty-themed restaurant where you can "rest" while eating. The first thing that came to mind was: WHY?

I guess these children seem to be enjoying themselves. But I can't think of any reason, other than sheer gimmick, why I would want to eat in a restaurant filled with old crappers.


Wait. There was this Chinese place downtown in which I did get some pretty freakin' bad food poisoning. I guess that place could've used seats made out of toilets. Then I wouldn't have had to leave the table when I shat acid violently out of my burning ass and vomited for 36 hours until my lungs came out of my mouth with bits and pieces of my ruptured bowels.

That wasn't fun.

But I still don't really understand why you would want to eat at The Toilet Bowl in Taiwan. I guess people have their reasons.

I just don't get it. Can you help me translate?

From Odd Culture.

OFRO The Robot Guard

We now travel to South Korea, where scientists have developed the world's first robot designed to protect children. Dubbed OFRO, the contraption "...could be useful in alerting staff in case outsiders intend to seduce students. "

Seduce students?

What is this, the world's first mechanical chastity belt? I guess seduction is a major problem in South Korean schools. Not drugs or violence. Just seduction. A little wine, a little candlelight, and...

Anyway, whatever happened to good old human labor? Or fences? Don't you think schools should safely keep their children on school grounds using fences and HUMAN security guards? I mean, the article said OFRO "...is able to patrol pre-programmed routes or it can be controlled by a human..." Ok, so if you're gonna have some guy driving the damn thing, why not just pay a security guard?

Here's a better idea. Save the remotely-operated robots for the battlefield - where we can save the lives of our soldiers. And let's design the thing a little better:

Let's call it OPRAH! What do you think?

I think it would scare the hell out of our enemies! Now that makes sense.

Or what about AFRO? That would be awesome!

South Korea, you've got some splainin' to do about OFRO. Robotic seduction-preventing guards? That's the best you can do?

I just don't get it. Can you help me translate?


Via Shoutwire.

Casa Bonita

Our next journey takes us to the heart of old Mexico - to one of the finest Mexican restaurants in the world - Casa Bonita.

Ok. It's in the middle of Denver, Colorado, and the food is just mediocre. My family and I just happened to grab some dinner and entertainment there this evening.

You may remember Casa Bonita from a little show called South Park:

The similarity is striking. It's almost as if Matt Stone and Trey Parker have actually been to the restaurant. Several times. Many times, in fact. Here's the scene from this evening (Nikon D70s):

And here's the scene with Cartman (and follow link to hear Cartman):

Uncanny.

Also, it looks like Cartman ordered the same thing I did : the beef deluxe dinner - all you can eat, baby! Can you guess how many tacos I ate?

But what's the point of this post? It's obviously not just going to be a shameless endorsement for the restaurant. I can't argue, Babygirl Translator and Girl Translator both love it. But that's not what this blog is about. I want to get down to the nitty gritty about the cultural phenomena that make us unique.

So, what's unique about Casa Bonita?

We ate in a cave tonight. That's unique.

And we ate food that came out of a can - with lettuce and cheese on top. The point is, you could serve yesterday's monkey shit from the zoo and kids would still flock to Casa Bonita, pulling their parents (and their wallets) behind them. It's not about the food - it's about the waterfall, the cave, and the...the...guy in a monkey suit always threatening to jump from the shadows.

The Waterfall (from whence Cartman lunged)

The point of all this, is that some time in our life we switch from an emphasis on entertainment to an emphasis on culinary perfection. We no longer need monkeys singing and dancing...we just need a nice glass of wine and a thick juicy steak. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy some dining fun with the kids, every once in a while. I'm just not sure when (or why) the culinary growing-up-switch is activated.

I just don't get it. Can you help me translate?

Howard's Translation: "Only go if you have kids. They are the only ones who understand the appeal, but prepare to roll your eyes. A lot."

Sapheyerblu's translation: "If we keep their attention placed on the divers, they won't notice how nasty the food is".

Durian Fruit

Our adventures now take us to Southeast Asia. Let’s say that you are sightseeing in Malaysia, and you get a hankering for a snack. Next, just for the sake of argument, let’s imagine your appetite is piqued by something for which the following can be said:

... its odor is best described as pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock. It can be smelled from yards away. Despite its great local popularity, the raw fruit is forbidden from some establishments such as hotels, subways and airports, including public transportation in Southeast Asia.

– Travel Writer Richard Sterling

Sound good?

If so, you will probably love the durian fruit. From Wikipedia:

The durian is the fruit of trees of the genus Durio belonging to the Malvaceae, a large family which includes hibiscus, okra, cotton, mallows and linden trees. Widely known and revered in Southeast Asia as the "King of Fruits," the fruit is distinctive for its large size, unique odour, and a formidable thorn-covered husk. Its name comes from the Malay word duri (thorn) together with Malay suffix that is -an (for building a noun in Malay), meaning "thorny fruit."

Ok, as someone with a background in Biology I did a little thinking. Why would the fruit smell like that? Probably to attract animals to eat the fruit. Why would a plant want animals to eat the fruit? Seed dispersal. Then why cover the fruit with a thorny husk? Probably to discourage tiny, inefficient agents of dispersal.

Animals I can understand. But why in the hell would any human want to eat something that looks like entrails and smells like pig shit?

I just don’t get it. Can you help me translate?

Beenzzz's Translation: "Shit flavored fruit sounds so tantalizing."

Russian Holes

Russians have some of the biggest holes in the world. In fact, recently, Russians have been seen exploring their holes in the middle of densely forested areas. What's more, no one really knows how those holes were exposed in the middle of the forests to begin with.

One Siberian hole was so big, that the air escaping from it was enough to crash several helicopters.

To what do you think I'm referring?


I assure you, it has NOTHING to do with Igor and his favorite Turkish bath. There really are unexplained tunnels that have been popping up throughout Russia for the past few decades. No one knows why.

They don't seem to be from large-scale drilling. There's no way you could get a truck into those forests, and there are no piles of dirt anywhere. Is it aliens? Swamp gas? Aliens WITH swamp gas? No way to be sure.

And that's one big hole left from an old diamond mine in Siberia. The suction from inside really did crash several helicopters. Man, Russians really seem to like their holes. But why? And what made those tunnels?

I just don't get it. Can you help me translate?

Truck Nuts

Let's begin our journey into the unknown by stepping right outside my front door, here in Colorado.

Yesterday, on the way home from work, I spied a truck with something "extra" hanging off the back end. Upon further examination, I was assaulted by the image of two, giant, blue - truck nuts.

Are those....?....yes, they are! I thought.

As seen in the image above, I guess truck owners can now order these online for various reasons.

I guess one reason would be to show that one's truck is "manly".

I guess another reason would be to show that a truck's OWNER is manly. Although, if that's the case, I don't see how projecting one's "manliness" to the rear hitch of one's truck would accomplish much of anything. Plus, wouldn't it hurt if you take a dip too fast?

I just don't get it. Can you help me translate?

Howard's Translation: "I have a small penis and must compensate."

Beenzzz's Translation: "The small penis thing PLUS, he still wets his bed."

About The Translator

That's me. The old Translator, himself. I guess that's what I'll be calling myself for a while. At least until Mrs. Translator tells me to knock it off.

Baby Girl Translator and Girl Translator are off playing right now, and I can't seem to find them with my trusty binocs. Oh, well.

I got my undergrad and masters degrees in Biology at the University of Colorado, Boulder. I did research in the Dominican Republic, and I've been working in Cancer Research ever since.

My recent interest in blogging stems from the fact that I can only speak in two or three paragraph intervals. So, I figured blogging made sense. The subject matter of this blog is based in my interest in history and my fascination with other cultures. This is my third attempt at creating a blog - I hope it works this time.

My favorite hobbies include hiking in the Colorado Rockies, fishing, birding, archery-ing, writing, reading, translating stuff, learning about history, and blogging about all of the above.

I hope we can get to know each other in depth!

Welcome!

Do you recognize this map?

Welcome to the grand opening of Rosetta Rants – where I scour the globe for the foreign, the crazy, and the just plain stupid treasures our planet has to offer. I must say, that a large proportion of those finds will probably come from right here at home – in America.

Then we'll get together and try to translate the gibberish.

I'd like to extend an extra welcome to the loyal readers of Chinglishness! I hope this forum will afford me greater creative license to explore this wacky world of ours. And I hope you manage to find a laugh or two along the way!

Thanks to all who have chosen to take part in these Rants!

Enjoy the journey!