The Horse Diaper

U.S. Patent, 1998.

Returning to the language of toilets, this time we investigate horse diapers.

Tired of spending countless hours cleaning those pesky stalls? Sick of bending over to grab handfull after handfull of equine excrement? Well, fret no more!

Now you can live the lazy cowboy's dream - with the newly patented Horse Diaper (some assembly required).

Now, what do you think is more work: cleaning the floor of a stall or changing a gigantic diaper on an extremely irritated horse?

I'll stick to cleaning the floor. Heck, I'd gladly save hundreds of dollars per month on the cost of diapers if it was socially acceptable for my daughter to run free and do her business in the yard. Except that's not gonna happen. And I can't keep her in a barn.

Until she's four.

I just don't get horse diapers. Can you help me translate?

From Patently Absurd.

Oscar the Death Cat

Our journey now takes us to Providence, Rhode Island, where we will investigate the language of death. I'm sure many of you are familiar with the story of Oscar the Death Cat.

Oscar, a pet at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center, seems to have a knack for predicting when patients are going to die, by curling up next to them in their final hours.

Psychic pets have been documented well back into the seventeenth century, when a "Learned Pig", a "Wonderful Intelligent Goose", Toby the "Sapient Pig", and many others mystified onlookers with counting games and other parlor tricks.

Of course, the most famous thinking pet must be Clever Hans, a German horse, to whom the ability of arithmetic was attributed. However, an investigation in 1907 determined that Hans merely watched the reactions of his human observers to learn the answers.

Am I discounting Oscar's ability to sense the inevitability of death? Certainly not. There are many things in this world that I don't understand - things that don't seem to have "natural" explanations. Some have suggested that Oscar can smell physiological changes in patients that are about to expire - but this is no less amazing.

No, it's not that I think Oscar is a fake. I just think his services would be better put to use in other settings. It's not surprising that patients in nursing homes are close to death. But what if Oscar was employed:

1)At McDonalds - He could curl up under the feet of customers who are about to partake in their final super-sized Big Mac meal before departing for the Golden Arches in the Sky. For those people, it's time for a salad.

2)On Sky Diving Trips - He could snuggle with jumpers that are about to go "splat". For those people, it's time to find a new hobby.

3)On the Docks for Crab Fishing Boats - I'm a big fan of Deadliest Catch, on the Discovery Channel. Oscar could be used to pick the boats that have bad omens over them. For those people, it's time for a change of profession.

4)Any other ideas?

Where else would Oscar come in handy? Can you help me translate?

Anagram Anarchy - Four

U.S. Army Cipher Disk.

If you need help understanding the language of anagrams, CLICK HERE for some background.

Each time, I will produce a new anagram for a chosen word or phrase. It's your job as budding translators to rearrange the letters to produce the answer.

So here's today's anagram:

Thank Third Keg

Hint #1: Desmodus rotundus.

Rearrange the letters to solve the puzzle, and leave your answer in the comments section to this post.

Spoiler Warning: I'll also confirm the solution in the comments section after someone guesses correctly. So if you want to work it out for yourself, do so before clicking "comments".

Good luck!

Simpsonsmania is Here!

Well, it's officially here. Hype about the The Simpsons Movie is spreading across the globe as we speak, and I think the language of Simpsonsmania warrants some discussion.

I stood in line at midnight last night to be one of the first people to translate The Simpsons Movie. Like many other indoctrinated members of my generation, I wanted to experience the mania first-hand - when the doughnuts were hot, when the Squishees were cold, and before every twelve-year-old in the world recites Homer's new catch phrases by heart, ruining the pleasure of what can only be described as new classic "Homerisms".

Simsponsmaniacs around the world poured into theaters last night to witness the equivalent of three Simpsons episodes rolled into one - without commercials and the annoying "to be continued" phrase. Here are a couple movie posters from other corners of the globe:


In all, The Simpsons Movie delivers on its promises - longer running time, deeper plot lines, better animation, and a more mature brand of humor that television audiences could never hope to experience.

Still, I couldn't help but think that I was paying $10 to watch a 90 minute, made-for-tv Simpsons holiday special. I guess I'm still not quite sure that the cultural phenomenon that is The Simpsons translates properly to the Silver Screen. But for any member of the Simpsonsmania movement, The Simpsons Movie is a must-see.

I give it 4/5 passports. It's probably worth the journey!

Rosetta Rants Reviewed At My Tropical Escape

My Tropical Escape is a wonderful blog dedicated to those of us interested in chucking it all and moving to an equatorial paradise. And I'm proud to say that Terence Chang has recommended Rosetta Rants to be reviewed as a travel blog! I guess my rants about worldly wackiness qualifies my humble blog as one dealing with travel.

My Tropical Escape "...is dedicated to providing information about overseas living, pursuing entrepreneurial aspirations, and the ongoing adventures of Mark Hayward and Terrie Hayward who OWN the Palmetto Guesthouse in Culebra, Puerto Rico."

Interesting photos, tips, and inspiration for anyone curious about finding their own private beach on which to live. So if you plan to move to (or visit) a tropical escape, make sure you stop by their site. I'll be visiting regularly, and I hope you will, too!

People that Park Like Idiots Really Tick Me Off

Today, my budding translators, I'd like to discuss the language of bumper stickers. Bumper stickers can be funny, bumper stickers can be offensive, and bumper stickers can be downright stupid. One of my favorites, is the one pictured above from I Park Like An Idiot.Com.

That's right. You, too can order your own pack of 10, 40, or 100 and keep them in your glove compartment. Then you'll have them ready for the opportune moment.

I've ordered some. And believe me I'll use them. Why?

The other night at the mall, I couldn't find a parking space. Not because there weren't any spaces available. But because there weren't any USABLE spaces available due to the morons like the ones below who were ruining the whole parking experience for the rest of us.


Ok, so the last one is a bit over the top. But come on! Is it really that hard to park your car? I just don't understand people that park like idiots. But they all deserve little yellow bumper stickers the say "I Park Like an Idiot".

Do you have any examples of other interesting bumper stickers? Can you help me translate?

Photos from I Park Like an Idiot.Com.

And don't forget to send me a Postcard!

Anagram Anarchy - Three

J. Hicks Cipher Disk, London 1893.

If you need help understanding the language of anagrams, CLICK HERE for some background.

Each time, I will produce a new anagram for a chosen word or phrase. It's your job as budding translators to rearrange the letters to produce the answer.

So here's today's anagram:

Hemp Sock, Bah!

Hint #1: Cosmic Bride
Hint #2: Football

This one may be a bit more difficult. And punctuation doesn't matter.

Rearrange the letters to solve the puzzle, and leave your answer in the comments section to this post.

Spoiler Warning: I'll also confirm the solution in the comments section after someone guesses correctly. So if you want to work it out for yourself, do so before clicking "comments".

Good luck!

Postcards from the Edge : Gerri in Pendleton, SC

(Click for larger view)

For the next edition of Postcards from the Edge...of the World, we travel to Pendleton, South Carolina, the home of Gerri from Absolutely True. Gerri's postcard reads:

(Click for larger views)

Very interesting that you think the accents are wacky! I'm sure they think you have an interesting accent, too. And that's too bad about the local police. I'll bet there's an interesting story to go along with your description of "worthless", eh?

Absolutely True is one of my regular reads, where you can find information about the most astonishing items in this wacky world of ours. For example, where else would you find an image of the monorail cat, a fascinating open letter to the Burger King girl, and generally bizarre news such as the story of a teen texter that got four years for a fatal car crash?

And the best part? It's all Absolutely True!

As a translator, I totally appreciate not having to separate the fact from the crap. It may be wacky, but I can assure you that it's all true.

That's why I totally get Absolutely True. No further translation is necessary.

And if YOU are interested in sending me a postcard and having your website "Translated", it's simple! All you have to do is send me a postcard, and when I put it up on Rosetta Rants, just write a post linking to my post, so all your friends can see your card! That way, more people will learn about my idea, too! Please CLICK HERE to learn more.

And be sure to check out my new Postcards from the Edge Buttons! They're loads of fun!

Finally, CLICK HERE to read my previous postcards.

I can't wait to hear from you!

Ramen Bath

Our travels now take us to Hakone, Japan where we will investigate the language of Theme Baths. Hakone Kowakie Yunessun Hot Springs Amusement Park and Spa Resort has just opened its latest Theme Bath : The Ramen Soup Bath.

From Japan Probe:

The bath, shaped like a ramen bowl, contains pepper-flavored water colored a light, milky brown, to like tonkotsu (pork bone) ramen soup. The special bath was created jointly by the theme park and a famous ramen shop, Nantsuttei in Hadano, Kanagawa Prefecture.

The bath was completed at the unveiling event, with the owner of Nantsuttei adding “noodles” made of bathwater additives into the tub.

The water contains collagen and garlic extracts, and theme park officials claim it can help produce beautiful skin and aid moisture retention.

Sound good? Nothing like collagen and garlic extract to attract the opposite sex. Your skin may be soft, but you smell like an eggroll.

If that doesn't wet your "appetite", then perhaps you'd like to try another Theme Bath:

Red wine, anyone?

Or, perhaps some coffee?

No? Let's just stick to the traditional green tea bath.

Here are my ideas for Theme Baths:

1)Boiling Acid Pit Bath - Complete with floating skeletons.

2)Matzoh Ball Soup Bath - An old lady keeps telling you to stay in a bit longer because you look famished and you could stand to put on some weight.

3)Tar Pit Bath - You may never leave.

4)Gas Station Toilet Bath - You can visualize this one for yourself.

Any other ideas? I just don't get Theme Baths. Can you help me translate?

The Toilet Timer

U.S. Patent, 1993.

We now continue in our investigation of the language of Toilets.

Are you tired of waiting in line for that pesky porcelain pot? Too many users in your house? Well, you don't have to wait any longer. Not with the patented technology of the Toilet Timer.

Got a kid who sits for hours? Dad wasting away on the latrine? Set the timer for 5 minutes, and all your problems will be solved.

Actually, I'm not sure what happens when the timer goes off. What do you think happens?

Can you help me translate?

From Patently Absurd.